A few years ago, I recall having a conversation with a male friend about a new girl he liked. I asked him, “Why don’t you ask her out?” and he responded, “I figured if she liked me, she’d let me know.” His reply perplexed me then, but now such comments simply make me shake my head. No, she probably won’t let you know.
She may be friendly. She may smile a lot in your presence. She may even go out of her way to be in your general path; but, she’s not likely to let you know she likes you unless she’s desperate or “liberated.” Women want (no, make that need) to be pursued. God created women to be pursued just as He created men to conquer. Women need to be shown that we are worth the time and energy it takes to win our hearts.
When you read about men and women in the Bible, men are often praised for their strength and women are often praised for their beauty. Men’s bodies are built for strength and women’s bodies are built for beauty. This isn’t to say that women can’t be strong. There are many women who make it a point to become and stay strong – and that strength further contributes to their beauty.
When a woman enters a relationship without being pursued, or by doing the pursuing, she ends up feeling gypped. We women need to know that our men are putting forth significant effort (and maybe even occasional discomfort) to win our hearts (e.g., getting up the nerve to ask us out, trying new things that are out of their comfort zones, putting effort into a sweet proposal, etc. {Eric’s note: I would even add to this list: first asking her father’s permission to date her!}), because we are worth the blood, sweat, and tears (so to speak ~smile~).
Men like to be appreciated, but it is not in their nature to be won. A man’s nature is to conquer, even if he believes he wants to be chased. Men who want to be chased and pursued are insecure men – ladies, do not go after them; however, emotionally healthy men do like to be given some signs that their efforts are not in vain. Women who chase men (even if men consider them desirable at first) often quickly become annoying and needy (and may even be insecure themselves, thinking that it is the only way they can attract a man is by pursuing).
On the flip side, women, it takes a lot of courage for a man to begin the process of pursuing a woman. If you are interested in a man who is obviously trying to get to know you, respond with kindness. Don’t lead him on if you aren’t interested and don’t necessarily say no to hanging out too quickly, but don’t play hard to get when you really are into him. Be cautious. Don’t share too much too soon. Don’t clear your schedule to be with him if you already have plans. Don’t become a crazed woman who waits by the phone, but don’t push him away because you think it will make him chase you harder. Games are for children, not for adults who are seriously considering the possibility of marriage.
Men, if you are not ready to pursue a woman, that’s okay, but don’t expect women to pursue you. Once you are ready for marriage, you will be ready to pursue the heart of a woman. You may not be ready for that responsibility yet. If a woman is chasing you down and trying to lead you into a relationship – RUN. She may end up being that nightmare about which Proverbs warns you.
Ladies, if your guy is not pursuing you, but demanding that you chase him down (either verbally or by action [or, inaction]) – RUN. He’s not ready for a relationship. After you are married, you will depend on this man to cover you with prayer, lead you spiritually, provide for you (financially and emotionally), protect you from harm, and shelter your heart. If he is not strong enough, or brave enough, to pursue you now, he’s not going to be strong enough or brave enough to take care of you after you’re married (though yes, I understand that both men and women need to be “taken care of” at some level in marriage, but those levels look different).
Any man who’s ready for marriage is ready to pursue a woman – even if he fumbles over his words and makes mistakes. Perfection is not necessary – but the pursuit is. Any woman who is ready to be pursued is not interested in playing mind games.
One last thought to leave you with. Men, remember that pursuing a woman’s heart does not end at the altar. Your woman will need you to pursue her and show her love and gentleness no matter how long you’ve been married. Alternately, ladies, it is not easy to love and pursue a porcupine. Shower your husband with love and respect. Men need our respect as much as we need their love.
Ladies, do you agree (comment below!)?
Guys, have you been waiting around for a woman to declare her love for you?