Bill and Pam Farrel don’t mince words when it comes to the area of sexuality in marriage. Honestly, I applaud them for it. So many of us are so shy and standoffish about the topic, but singles need to know what a good married sex life looks like and how to cultivate one in their future marriage. The Farrels don’t, by any means, get crude or too personal, but they are up front about the beauty, excitement, and necessity of good married sex. Maybe you’ll blush and maybe you won’t, but I think you’ll enjoy their chapter Waffles and Spaghetti in the Bedroom. ~smile, blush~
Last time, we talked about how men are able to focus because they fit their lives into compartments (e.g., work, school, home, church, vacation, paying bills, etc.). We should also add sex to that list! Men can have a bad day at work, get three unexpected bills in the mail, hear sad news about a friend, and still be in the mood for sex that night. This isn’t because they are insensitive – not even close. Men are created by God to be able to put other distractions aside and conquer the task at hand.
For most men, sex is extremely important because of the way God wired them. Men have a sex box just as they have work and home boxes, but the Farrels tell us to visualize the sex box as the biggest box in the waffle – and the box that’s closest to the center. ~smile~ Men can easily jump from whatever box they are in into their sex box and it doesn’t take a long time to switch boxes either. In fact, men can go from the mere idea of sex to the finished act in less than two minutes. TWO MINUTES?! Wow. From a woman’s perspective, that’s pretty amazing.
Some married women are worn out by their husband’s constant sexual pursuit, but unless they are married to selfish, hard-hearted men who are only interested in pleasing themselves, these tired ladies should keep the following quote in mind: “There are three independent forces that drive a man’s desire: a reproductive mandate, sexual tension, and intimacy.” The woman who has given herself all day long to crying kids or nagging work problems may think her husband’s sexual advances are always a sign of his sexual tension. Believing this can lead a woman to feel like a sex object – as if her man couldn’t care less about how she’s feeling.
Though men should take time to care for and love on their wives before expecting sex, we married ladies need to remember that our husbands create intimacy with us through sex. Ladies become more primed for sex after we’ve been intimate (i.e., connection and good conversation) with our husbands, and our husbands experience intimacy through their sexual expression. So, ladies, when you’ve been married a few years and you think your husband’s need for sex is all about him, consider this: If he is generally unselfish toward you, he wants to connect with you, and sex is how he shares intimacy and expresses his love.
Gentlemen, chances are you will be married someday and find that your sweet wife is not always up for fun time. What might surprise you is that, at times, she will be equally if not more frustrated about her limitations than you are. Since men can usually jump out of any box straight into their sex box, it might be hard to fathom how difficult it can be for ladies to get in the mood when they are tired, spent, and mentally overwhelmed.
Just as spaghetti strands touch other spaghetti strands, a woman’s life is one large interrelated saga. Work follows her home. Overdue bills follow her to work. A misunderstanding with a best friend follows her to church. Women’s minds are always on the move, even though we’d love to shut them off at will. ~smile~ Recently, I saw a quote on Facebook that said it all: “Men, if you ever want to know what a woman’s mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.”
In regards to sex, a woman’s mind is her greatest sexual organ and the very obstacle she has to overcome. Women, in most cases, need to mentally prepare for sex. A “whatcha wanna do tonight?” and a wink from her husband in the morning can get her mental gears turning early so by bedtime she’s in the zone. In this way, her mind is a sexual blessing.
On the other hand, when a woman is stressed, she cannot turn off her mind. She will have a hard time focusing on sex if she knows little Suzie has a cold and could wake up at any minute. If she spent the day preparing for a family visit she’s dreading, she may be too emotionally overwhelmed for sex. And, if she just heard about a tragedy, even if the victim(s) was no one she knew, she may become too sad to engage in sex. How much work she has to do, the likelihood of someone hearing what’s going on, or even not feeling clean and fresh can discourage a woman from spending quality time in the bedroom.
Gentlemen, years from now – when you’re married and you begin to wonder if your wife will ever want sex again – remember these few tips: Find a way to take some of the load off of her (e.g., offer to give the kids baths, clean the kitchen, or run some of her errands), take time to touch her sweetly without trying to get her into the bedroom (e.g., back or shoulder rub, long hug, etc.), and help her de-clutter her mind (e.g., listening to her talk about her day, taking away a task so she can take a hot bath or write in her journal, etc.). Even after following these tips, she still may not be able to give of herself that night, but chances are she’ll be ready very soon thereafter. In fact, if you make a habit of treating your wife with gentleness and understanding, you may be surprised how often she pursues you sexually.
If you are preparing for your upcoming wedding or still waiting to meet the man or woman of your dreams, it is not too early to understand how men and women differ sexually. If you are aware that women need a little more warm-up time and that certain needs must be met before she can have sex, you’ll save your relationship a lot of frustration. If you know that your future husband will have a big sex box in the center of his waffle, you can be more understanding of his seemingly constant sexual needs. Such compassion and understanding may help you find ways to provide him with the sexual experiences he needs even when you aren’t feeling it (e.g., learning how to quickly clean up in order to feel more sexually attractive, learning to keep a mental calendar of when your husband might need sex and preparing yourself to pursue him, etc.).
There is a lot to prepare for when considering marriage. This topic is, by far, the most fun. ~smile~ Get your copy of Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti now and prepare, prepare, prepare!
What have you learned about the differences in male and female sexuality after reading this post?