“Did you take the trash out?” “No, I’ll do it in the morning before work.” “What?!? You know you always press snooze twenty times and you’re late for work every day as it is! Take it out tonight.” “No… I’ll take it out in the morning and I’m NOT always late for work. Don’t tell me when to take out the trash. I’m a grown man! I’ll take it out when I feel like it.” “Don’t talk to me like that and if you acted like a grown man I wouldn’t have to remind you to do basic chores. Sarah Ann’s husband, Bob, never has to be reminded to do anything and he’s sweet to her ALL the time!” “Well, go live with Bob, then!”
Okay, let’s back up…. What may surprise you is that this couple loves each other, they’re usually affectionate and cuddly, and they laugh together regularly. So why are they fighting over something so petty and ridiculous? Because it’s midnight and they are both exhausted! I’ve talked about getting rest before, but I am reminded occasionally from working with clients, and in my own life, that unnecessary fights, hurt feelings, and unkind words tend to be lurking around the corner anytime a tired couple tries to communicate. So let’s consider the same conversation happening over dinner at 6pm.
“Did you take the trash out?” “Not yet. I’ll do it in the morning before work.” “Ok. But if I were you, I’d move my clock across the room so you’ll be forced to get up when your alarm goes off. {playfully} You’re a snooze addict.” “Nah, I’ll just be sure to get up in time.”
See the difference? The only factor keeping this second example from being like the first is timing. Late night communication should be done with kid gloves or should be avoided period. It’s fun having moonlit conversations about dreams for the future, childhood memories, and sweet nothings; but, when those conversations become serious discussions or confrontations, agree to sleep first and discuss later. It is rare that a confrontation can’t wait until morning. When we’re tired and stressed, it’s harder to keep our mouths shut or to use good judgment. We want to express ourselves immediately when in actuality it is better for everyone involved if we get some rest and then tackle the issue when our minds are clear.
Do you and your sweetheart have a topic that tends to blow up when it’s past your bedtime? Maybe you tend to bring up your sweetie’s ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends when you’re feeling overly tired and insecure. If you see a pattern of this happening after hours, be determined not to broach that subject when you’re sleepy. Maybe you tend to ask, “When are we getting engaged?” when you’re fatigued. That conversation has great explosive potential, especially when you are both tired. If you are engaged, do you tend to have arguments about wedding planning late at night? For us married folks, money arguments like to sneak in at the end of a long day when we’re worn out.
Each couple has a different internal clock. Some couples are mentally fresh until 3:00am, while other couples need to start winding down around 8:30pm. Some couples consist of one night owl and one early bird. As you and your honey get to know each other better, you will begin to learn when your “end communication for the night” clock chimes.
If you find that you get in petty arguments after 10:00pm, make it a point not to discuss anything with argument potential after that time. Happy mornings are worth peaceful nights. Confrontation and communication in relationships is highly important, but timing is crucial. It is hard to get anything accomplished when you’re bushed and what does get accomplished tends to take longer than necessary. Be smart: go to sleep and address the harder subjects later with a clear mind and a rested emotional core.
Do you and your honey tend to fight more when you’re tired? Do you have the same reoccurring arguments?