Comedians everywhere have become wealthy due to one simple fact: men and women communicate in exasperatingly different ways!
“Early on in our marriage, when we’d be in the same room for a half hour, and she didn’t say a word to me, I would make the mistake of looking at her and saying, ‘What’s wrong?’ hoping it was something other than me. Now, I have learned if we’re in the same room for a half hour and she doesn’t say a word to me; it’s me! I just go up to her and say, ‘Baby, I realize I have done or said something stupid and insensitive, and while I don’t yet know what it is, I would like to go up to my room and think about it for a little while.’” (Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed)
No matter what society is trying to re-educate us about the male and female sexes, we are different. God created us male and God created us female – and He did so with a purpose.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” (Genesis 1:27-28, ESV)
Sometimes, I wonder what communication between Adam and Eve was like before the Fall. Did Eve ever nag Adam? Did Adam ever hurt Eve’s feelings unintentionally? Did Adam ever have to go out into the outer rim of the garden to get some air and clear his mind? Did Eve ever stomp away crying, “You insensitive jerk!”? (I doubt it.)
However, in the centuries following their banishment from the Garden of Eden, men and women have struggled to understand each other; and, in modern-day America, and all over the developed, Westernized countries of the world, we continue to fight the age-old battle of the sexes. (Note: If you do get in fights with your significant other or spouse over communication differences, be thankful. It likely means you live in an age and culture which promotes equality between men and women and does not treat women as property.)
No matter how far we have come in our respective relationships, we can always stand to improve. Below are tips for how we can tweak our communication process – five for the ladies and five for the gentlemen. Sometimes the smallest change can make the most remarkable difference!
Ladies, we should stop:
- Pretending we are fine when we are clearly not. There is not a woman alive who cannot hear the difference in the three major versions of ‘fine.’ One version of ‘fine’ means ‘I am doing quite well, how are you?’ Then there is another ‘fine’ which means ‘I am on board with what you are saying.’ And, finally, there is the infamous ‘fine’ which can be translated: ‘I am quite annoyed and angry with you right now. And, though I am clearly not fine, I am aggravated that you do not understand why I am not fine. So, I am just going to say “I am fine” because it is easier than explaining my frustration. And, quite frankly, you do not deserve to know why I am not fine.’ What ‘fine’ ultimately means in each context comes down to tone of voice and facial expression. Though this communication model is extremely natural for us ladies, it does not lead anywhere positive. Even if your boyfriend tries to figure out what is bothering you, he will eventually get tired of chasing you. Ultimately, you will both lose. Saying what you mean respectfully is always the way to go. If you need some time to process before talking, let him know; but, please do not give into the urge to lie about your feelings.
- Bringing up ten years’ worth of grievances in the span of one ten-minute argument. Emerson Eggerichs, the author of Love and Respect, says women can get historical during conflicts. There are surely women in all corners of the world who do not fit into this category, but I do, and many of my friends do as well. During emotional moments, my spaghetti brain links my current complaint to my last ten similar complaints. Our men, though intelligent, do not process information the same way we do. They more often focus on one issue at a time. If we want to communicate effectively with them, it is better for us to stay on the current incident rather than dragging them down memory lane… Halloween edition. “What do you mean I need to cut you a break? You are always late! Remember when we were first married and I asked you to please come home by ten? You did not bother to show up until 12:30! Not only did you not come home when you said you would, but I was up half the night worrying and ended up falling asleep at my desk the next day!” If it happened twelve years ago, it probably does not need to be regurgitated now. We will get a lot further with our guys if we stay focused on the situation at hand. If you are still bothered by past issues, then talk to him about them later – when you are not already in the middle of a disagreement.
- Hinting (and then getting mad when they do not pick up on our hints). If my friend from Columbia called me and gave me step-by-step directions in Spanish, I would stare at the phone and probably respond with, “Huh?” Speaking lady-language to our men is much the same way. Even though our female friends know what we mean by, “Is that what you are wearing?” our male counterparts do not automatically realize we mean, “Please change immediately!” And, it has nothing to do with their IQ! They simply communicate differently, as in, completely straightforward and to the point. “Honey, I think you should change. Cargo shorts are not proper for a wedding.” It is not easy changing our communication style around, but your guys will appreciate it!
- Refusing to look at facts which may help our situation. A favorite video of mine, It’s Not About the Nail never ceases to amuse me because it is so on point! I am guilty of talking incessantly about a problem and then getting annoyed when Eric offers a potential solution. Granted, women do want to be heard before receiving advice. Heard means listening to me with his eyes (no device in sight), asking me questions about how I am feeling, and offering empathetic phrases of encouragement. Then, my heart is much more open to Eric’s advice. Ladies, after our men listen to us, we can offer them the same courtesy. God has gifted these guys with the drive to fix; and when they can help us repair something in our lives, it builds intimacy in the relationship for them (and, if we allow it to, for us).
- Responding with disrespectful noises and body language. Apparently, I roll my eyes without even realizing it. Eric makes me aware of this idiosyncrasy from time to time. When I do not like an idea of his, when I disagree with his decisions, or when I believe he is making life harder than it has to be (my pet peeve), I tend to roll my eyes and sigh a disgusted sigh. When I do, he immediately changes his mind and does my bidding. ~smile~ Right. No, he has never responded joyfully to my annoyed body language. We can, and will, disagree with our men repeatedly (especially after marriage), but we can choose to disagree with grace. It is easier to respond with gentleness than to spend the night in stony silence. “Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:3-4, ESV, emphasis mine)
Gentlemen, discontinuing the following will improve your relationship:
- Stop trying to fix it… until…. Guys, we ladies often misinterpret your attempts to fix our problems. We feel as though you are trying to fix us or trying to shut us up. What we forget is that a man wants to be his lady’s hero. Dozens of times, I have misread Eric’s attempts to fix my problems. “He thinks I am an idiot. Why does he not see that I just want him to listen to me? He does not care. He just wants me to shut up already.” {Eric’s note: men are generally not thinking this at all. We are thinking, “we care about you, so we want to help you to get rid of your problem.”} To win your lady’s heart, step on the brake a little and listen to her. After she has expressed herself, ask her if she wants advice. Or, come to her later and say, “I have been thinking about your situation, and I have some thoughts if you are interested.” This approach puts the ball in her court and shows her you have been thinking about her. (#heartmelt)
- Refrain from using any version of “you are overreacting,” “calm down,” or “you are acting crazy right now.” Better options are, “it is going to be okay,” “I am here for you,” and “please tell me what you are feeling right now.” {Eric’s note: women, this does not come naturally [or even close to it] for guys… even if you tell us this is what you want, it may take a long time to get there.} Most women can think back on a time when they were just plain crazy. Maybe it was hormones. Maybe it was stress. Maybe they were thinking 3,407 thoughts at once. After the hurdle passes, we can admit to our overly emotional behavior; but, in the moment we never want to hear that we are acting crazy. What we are experiencing is our reality – and to devalue what we perceive as our reality is to devalue us. When I react hysterically, I feel genuinely overwhelmed. My heart longs for someone to love me until I calm down, and tell me it is going to be okay. When we feel like the world is crashing down around us, it infuriates us to see our cool, calm, collected men (who have the luxury of thinking one thought at a time), looking at us like we are psycho. ~smile~ Even if we are acting crazy by your standards, please find a supportive phrase to speak; and, if one does not come to you, just be there with us. One day, I lost my mind about something and slammed the refrigerator door. Magnets flew everywhere! Instead of chastising me for being overly emotional, Eric quietly bent down and picked up the magnets. Perhaps he wanted to shake me and tell me to get it together, but he did not. He just stood beside me in silence; and, let me tell you, it was a humbling moment for me!
- Resist the temptation to stonewall and pour yourself into distractions. Erecting emotional walls is not only a male trait – ladies can do it too; but, because we are relational beings, we are far more affected by a lack of communication within our relationships. Therefore, men can stonewall much longer, and they have an easier time pushing arguments out of their minds. Men can go out with the guys, work on a home project, get lost in a TV show, or spend hours on their favorite video games without even thinking about their latest relational skirmish. Because distancing yourself from negativity is extremely natural for you guys, it is important to set up safeguards in your relationship to keep you from completely checking out. Praying together at night as a ritual forces some communication to happen before the day ends. Having a weekly “How are we doing?” meeting can keep the silence from going on too long. Telling your lady that you need thirty minutes to think rather than walking out on her during an argument is better than stonewalling.
- Try not to make light of her emotions, or treat them like they are unimportant. Dozens, if not hundreds, of times over the last twelve years, I have opened my heart to Eric about something which concerns me only to be met with a matter-of-fact, “Well, it does not bother me!” And, though I know his remarks are not meant to cut through me like a flaming hot sword, they do. Every. Single. Time. Why? Because when I share my heart with him and he shuts me up mid-expression, it communicates the following two phrases to me: “The way you feel about this situation is wrong,” and “I am not willing to give you the time you need to process your thoughts because I have better ways to spend my time.” {Eric’s note: men, notice here that you are talking about yourself, not her – and she still internalizes your comment to be about her.} If you notice your woman gets quiet or angry with you after you comment on her feelings, take a moment and ask her to explain her anger to you. Chances are you said something which seemed insensitive without realizing it. And, you have two options. You can say to yourself, “She is too emotional, and I am not even going to try to speak her girl language.” Or, you can attempt to understand where she is coming from and speak to her in a more effective, sweeter way. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV).
- Avoid making excuses for why it is okay to speak harshly to her. “She was talking to me during the game! She knows I hate that!” “She has told me that story about fifteen times. I cannot hear it again, and I told her so!” “I explained the process to her twice, and she still did it wrong! She probably was not even listening to me!” Just as women sometimes justify why it is okay to behave disrespectfully towards their boyfriends or husbands, men occasionally slip up (or dive in) and are verbally are harsh with their wives with sudden unloving words and phrases – followed by excuses as to why they deserved it. Thankfully, love is not about giving what the other deserves, but is about sacrificially offering love and grace as Christ did for us through His death. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35, ESV). Even if you feel angry and completely justified in letting your temper fly, remember that you have sinned against a Holy God far more than your woman can ever sin against you. Choose to show her grace and love even when she deserves your anger. Ladies, choose to show him respect even when he deserves your disgust.
So, there you have it! A few tweaks for a better communication life together. What changes have you already made to your communication style? If you wish, feel free to contact us and let us know! We may pass your advice on to other readers!
Which of these communication tweaks do you need to make in your relationship?
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