“How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.” – James 3:4-12, ESV
What can I say about this small muscle that causes us so much trouble? Experience has shown me that those who flap their tongues the least are usually the wisest. How many wise people do you know who talk incessantly? How many wise people do you see sharing idle gossip? How many wise people do you know who post inappropriate comments on Facebook (and then get mad at people for knowing their business)?
The people I hold in high regard – the ones I wish most to emulate – are the ones who rest their tongues and open their ears.
Newlywed Heather
Some of our newlywed memories are more precious than others. ~smile~ The quiet moments together were special, but when we allowed our tongues to spew forth the ugly contents of our hearts, let’s just say those are memories we could do without.
This issue is bothering me. I need to talk to him about it. He needs to listen. Here’s my concern. He’s getting mad at me? How dare he be upset with me for bringing an issue to his attention that needs to be addressed? He’s unbelievable! ~heart rate increases~ How dare he talk to me like that! He’s a jerk. J-E-R-K! He needs to know it too. I don’t care if it’s 2:42am. He opened this can of worms and I’m going to tell him just exactly what I think about his arrogant attitude. The nerve!
Let’s just call the above an excerpt (perhaps fictional, perhaps not ~smile~) the contents of newlywed Heather’s heart. As these thoughts and feelings brewed within me, I had a few choices:
- I could have prayed for God to calm my heart, give me grace, and help me hold my tongue.
- I could have responded to whatever he said to me calmly, refusing to let my emotions and my mouth run away with me.
- Screaming like a banshee. I could’ve yelled and made sure he knew exactly how discontent I was with him and all the reasons why. ~smile~
Newlywed Heather had a general bent towards door number three. My immaturity was hard to conceal as I threw caution to the wind and let everything come flooding out of my mouth never to return. Like toothpaste from a tube, words can never be put back inside of us. They come flying out, the damage is done, and we’re left to sweep up the ashes.
Slightly Less Newlywed Heather
By God’s grace, and the realization after much trial and error that a soft answer actually does turn away wrath (see Proverbs 15:1), I have improved in this area. I cannot emphasize God’s grace enough. There are still countless moments when I am centimeters away from opening my mouth and burning Eric all over again. I still have the same three choices – prayer, calming myself, and screaming like a banshee. Thankfully, I generally avoid door number three now. I wish I could say I run straight for door number one, but I typically end up at door number two.
He’s in a mood tonight. Why is he being sharp with me? He must be tired. Tired or not, I don’t like the way he’s talking. Who does he think he is? I wish other people could hear this. Then they’d know. I’m the easy one to live with in this marriage. (Side note: Yes, the contents of our heart left unchecked are this ugly on a good day.) I know if I open my mouth right now, I’ll be pouring gasoline on a small flame. I’m going to choose to react calmly even though I feel furious. I know the blaze inside will die down if I just give myself some time. We can talk about it later when I’m not so emotional.
The younger me had a hard time resisting the urge to tell the younger Eric all about his flaws. I’ll give it to him now and deal with the consequences later. As it turns out, the pleasure of sticking it to my sweetie was never as great as the price.
Are there times Eric treats me less than perfectly? Sure. Are there times I treat him less than respectfully. Absolutely. How we respond to those moments greatly impacts the rest of our day.
Communication Scenario One:
Him: Did you run that errand yet?
Her: No.
Him: (snidely) Why not? Is it that hard to go to the post office?
Her: I don’t know, you tell me? If it’s so easy, get off your rear end and go!
Both: ROAR. GRRRR. (Doors slamming. Night ruined.)
Communication Scenario Two:
Him: Did you run that errand yet?
Her: No.
Him: (snidely) Why not? Is it that hard to go to the post office?
Her: (spoken softly) There’s no need to speak to me this way. I’ll go tomorrow.
Him: (slightly annoyed silence)
Both: (return to normal conversation)
When I give in to that self-centered feeling that says I’ve been offended and I have A RIGHT to fight back, I end up turning a small ember into a forest fire. We’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who enjoys insulting comments or unloving demands; but, how we respond to those unpleasant interchanges makes all the difference. We can have a momentary verbal “win,” or we can win in a more satisfying way – by holding our tongues, responding with maturity, and salvaging an entire evening.
Somewhere along the way I discovered that unloading my emotions on Eric, whether or not he deserved it, was not worth the cost. When I hold my tongue and respond respectfully and calmly, I feel so much better. A fight does not ensue, we are able to communicate freely, and I don’t walk away feeling like a spoiled kindergartener.
It’s unhealthy to dwell on negative feelings towards your significant other, but when your mind starts playing those damaging messages, stop and think: If I say what’s on my heart, will it bless us or hurt us? If it needs to be said, how should I say it? Hopefully it won’t take you as long to learn to call on the Lord in those moments as it has taken me. Whatever you do, stay away from door number three. ~smile~
When the moment has passed, ask God to forgive you for your ungodly thoughts and feelings towards your sweetie. Replace your destructive inner recordings with positive ones. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). If you clear out the anger and frustration, your tongue won’t have nearly as many opportunities to burst into flames.
Does your tongue cause forest fires?