Recently, Eric and I had a deeply heartfelt conversation which had been weighing on my mind. It was one of those moments that stand still and it left me pondering my actions and beliefs up until this point in our marriage. Eric has a distinct personality. He knows what he likes and wants. He is not slow to make his desires known. He comes at life with a vengeance and does not fear what is around the next corner; and, if he did, we would probably never know it.
Eric is a solid, self-sufficient, hardworking, strong man, but he is also human and he needs more from me than I have been giving.
Seven Lessons I have Learned about Eric:
- He does not want all the responsibility to fall on his shoulders. Eric is good at making decisions. Really good. Sometimes I will ask his opinion on something as trivial as dish soap: green apple or clean breeze – and he will make a decision. Being a natural born follower, I find great comfort in being married to a man who makes quick and confident decisions (even though I do not always like the outcome). However, he needs me to take some of the decision weight off of his life. He may be good at taking responsibility and making decisions, but he does not want to have to make every decision and feel like he is going it alone.
- He needs my opinion. He does not want all the responsibility, so he needs my opinion. For the first few years of our marriage, when Eric would ask my opinion I would often say, “I do not know” or “anything you want is fine,” especially for those areas in which I lacked confidence. After a while he blurted out, almost desperately, “I need your opinion!” He does not always go with my opinion, but he does value its input. Since I look at the world from a completely different angle, my point of view helps him gain better perspective. Holding back my thoughts left him feeling completely alone. If I never give my opinions, it will never be my fault when a poor decision is made; but, then he would always be the one to blame for every negative outcome. Not fair to him. After I started giving him my thoughts, I began to feel more confident in sharing my ideas. He is a leader, but he is not so independent that he does not need support and counsel.
- He needs fellowship and fun. Yes, Eric loves to work, but he enjoys playing too. Just because he is a visionary and strongly runs after his goals does not mean he wants to be left alone in the world. Strong people still have a need for emotional connections with others. I failed to take this seriously in the earlier years of our marriage, focusing on my friend time and not on building couple friendships – which he desperately needed (and still needs). It is something I regret and something I hope our readers and clients can avoid in their future marriages.
- He actually has feelings. Sometimes, I honestly forget this. Just because he does not cry and leave the room whenever I touch a nerve does not mean I cannot hurt him. He has a thick skin – a tough shell – and it is difficult to know what is going on under there. His emotionless stare never tells the story. After one of our more recent arguments, when I laid it all out on the table without bridling my tongue, he came to me and softly said, “Just remember, when you go off on me like that, I do still have feelings.” It may take a lot of effort to hurt his heart, but it is possible; and, if there is anyone who can do it, it is probably me (since he is most vulnerable with me as his wife).
- He gets tired. When I get a cold, I crawl into bed and sleep. When I have a headache, I mention it several times. When I work for four consecutive hours, I want a break. But, Eric… Eric pushes through. Those long nights in graduate school when we had procrastinated on a paper, he kept working no matter how tired he felt. When he has a cold or headache, he does not stop. He is smart, he gets results, and he may give off the impression that he always has more to give, but he gets tired. He needs a break. He needs me to encourage him to take breaks and not continually make requests of him.
- He needs affection. Some of the toughest individuals out there are the ones who want and need physical touch the most. Eric’s co-workers may not believe it, but he is a back rub junkie. I could rub his back for hours on end and he would not get tired of it. He can handle a lot, but he (just like everyone else) needs to be refilled. When his heart is nourished, it helps to renew his weary soul.
- He needs a strong woman. Admitting this is very difficult for me because I rarely feel like a strong woman. In fact, I compare myself to women I perceive as strong and, for all I know, they may be comparing themselves to me. “The road of comparison always leads to disappointment” (a quote Eric has oft-repeated), but I compare myself to other women without even thinking about it! A natural response. Eric has a lot going on in his life and mind and in order for many of his ideas to come to fruition, he needs me to be strong when I would rather crawl under the covers and hide from the next big project. Even though I do not feel strong, I know I am destined to be strong because of my spiritual heritage (child of God) – understanding that it is not me who is strong but Christ in me. I can decide not to give in to those feelings of inadequacy, believe I am who God says I am, and press on as though I am the wife Eric needs me to be. Eventually, I will no longer feel like I am faking it – because I won’t be faking it.
- Bonus: He needs to be pursued sometimes. Strong people often do not talk about what they need. They may give off the impression that they are completely self-sufficient. They need those who love them to check in occasionally and ask how they are doing, see if they need anything, and to offer a listening ear.
Do you love a strong person too? If so, I hope this post was helpful to you!
I am sorry for all the times I left Eric to figure out life alone. For the times I neglected his need for socialization and fun. And, for the times I hurt him by not seasoning my words.
Our strong counterparts need us and our support even if they do not always express it. (I love you, Eric!)
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend need more support? [Comment below!]
[Related: Seven Lessons I Learned from Living with a Sensitive Woman]