Sex. It’s everyone’s favorite topic. It’s the most exciting chapter in all marriage books. In many ways, it has driven our culture. And for those who are choosing to wait until marriage to “partake,” it is an exciting and tantalizing mystery.
So, as you prepare to connect intimately with your future husband or wife, consider the following advice on sexual intimacy:
Create Your Own “Normal”
Thanks to Hollywood, outspoken Aunt Emily, prudish Aunt Jane, and our talks with friends, we go into marriage with sexual expectations. We have such thoughts as “Newlyweds are supposed to do it every day” or “If I’m ever too tired to have sex during the first year of marriage, there must be something wrong with me!” The truth is… there is no universal “normal.” Normal is what you and your groom (or bride) decide it is.
The Bible tells us to enjoy sexual pleasure in marriage often and not to neglect it unless we are fasting.
“For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Corinthians 7:5-6
What this passage does not say is “Have sex ‘this many’ times a week with your spouse.” It says, “Do not deprive one another.” It is important to be giving to one another, and this will sometimes mean having sex when you don’t necessarily feel like it; but, it is also important to take your sweetie’s needs into account and not force sex greedily when he or she is clearly exhausted or stressed.
If you make a point of treating each other with kindness, gentleness, love, and respect, you will naturally want to express yourselves sexually (barring medical issues). At that point, you and your sweetie can agree on a sexual rhythm that works for both of you.
Expect Imperfection
If you go into marriage having awesome sex, continue having awesome sex while you are raising young children, and live out the last few years of your life having awesome sex, you will be (shall we say)… unusual. Sex, in its purest form, is not about the perfection of the act; rather, it is about an intimate expression of love and devotion between a husband and wife. Sadly, many couples feel inadequate or disappointed when their sex life is not perfect from day one, or when their amazing sex life changes with the birth of their first child.
The easiest way to keep your expectations from setting you up for disappointment is to expect your sex life to be a work in progress, and to expect it to go through changes. Your first few times probably won’t be the most amazing ever, and would you really want them to be? It would be disappointing to have the best sex of your life on your honeymoon and then have nothing to look forward to over the next fifty years. ~smile~ Sex, like any other skill, gets better with practice – and not just practice, but practice with the same partner (i.e., your spouse).
And, just as your sex life seems to reach perfection, you may find yourselves suddenly stressed financially, going through the loss of a loved one, or in the family way. Life circumstances will change and your sex life will likely change with them. And that’s okay.
Remember that Sex is meant to be Given and not Taken
One of the main differences I see between premarital sex and post-marital sex is the point of the sexual act. Since God has called us to wait until marriage to enjoy sex (as it was created as God’s gift for the wedded couple), having sex before marriage is a form of taking. What you have does not belong to me, but I want it anyway. I’m taking sex from you to fulfill my own desires. Sex after marriage can also be a form of taking, depending on the attitude of the heart; but, it can (and should) normally be an act of giving. My body belongs to you, and my desire is to give myself to you fully so that we become one flesh. This kind of giving is more interested in giving pleasure and comfort than receiving it.
Sex has been so perverted that many people see it as an act of taking, sometimes forcefully, and that is extremely sad. What God creates to be good and pure, Satan likes to pervert – and sex has certainly been ripped from its context and given a bad name. Remember that marriage between a man and a woman is meant to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church, which is a relationship of giving, serving, and selflessly loving.
We will pick up with more advice on sexual matters in Wednesday’s post. Until then, make a list of sexual expectations you currently have and consider which of those expectations are realistic and which may be unrealistic. If you have an older, married mentor you trust, you may want to consider asking him or her (someone of the same sex as you) for some advice on what to expect in the years ahead. ~smile~
What expectations do you have of your future sex life?