No matter how vigilant you and your sweetie are about maintaining a strong bond, you will likely feel disconnected at times. Arguments can leave couples feeling worlds apart, as well as busy schedules, traveling, demanding bosses, and screaming babies.
And, perhaps the biggest cause of disconnect between married couples is a lack of spiritual connection.
Whichever the reason, you should fully expect to have moments, days, or even short seasons of life when you and your sweetheart feel a lack of closeness. I fully believe couples who are determined to stay close will find ways to reconnect during the ebbs and flows of life, but what can you do in the meantime when you don’t have the time, opportunity, or strength to rekindle your flame?
Start a List
Whether you are feeling disconnected due to a fight or simply because life has won the last three rounds, it is a good practice to remind yourself why you chose your sweetie. When he or she starts to feel like a roommate rather than a spouse, it is easy to wonder, “Why did we get married?” But, if you spend some time reminiscing about the early days, those reasons will most likely come back to you. As those memories flood your mind, start writing them down on a list.
- I chose you because you are a strong leader.
- I chose you because you have a kind, compassionate heart.
- I chose you because I knew you would be a good father.
- I chose you because I knew you would teach our daughters well.
Reconnect with Other People
If you are going through a rough patch in your relationship, or if your opposing schedules keep you and your sweetie from having much time together, reach out to friends and family you have not seen in a while.
Whether you are feeling extremely close to your future spouse or not, it is a good idea to keep up with friends and family. God intended spouses to have close relationships, but not to the complete exclusion of the rest of the world. We were not built to walk through life alone. Reach out to friends and strengthen those connections. Without speaking ill of your boyfriend or girlfriend, ask your friends to lift you up in prayer and to give you and your spouse wisdom as you try to balance work, school, ministry, and life.
This is not, however, a time to reach out to ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. As preposterous as such an idea may sound to you now, you won’t know how tempting it can be to reach out to someone who used to make you feel good about yourself until you are in a lonely relationship – feeling insecure and unappreciated. Just a “Hey, how have you been” can be the onramp to a dark road.
Deepen Your Prayer Life
Relationship coaches are not immune to moments of disconnection. As much as I’d like to say Eric and I are always in sync, we sometimes struggle to balance life and love. Sometimes, we are just exhausted; and, when we are tired, misunderstandings can turn into arguments, and arguments can turn into disconnection.
Recently, Eric and I had a misunderstanding that turned into a disconnection. I blame the lateness of the hour (exhaustion is one of the primary causes for misunderstanding – especially in our house!). Before long, Eric was at one end of the house and I was at the other – sobbing and crying out to the Lord.
For weeks, I had been feeling the need for a good cry {Eric’s note: this is something a guy totally doesn’t understand ~smile~}, so perhaps our tiff did me a bit of a favor. As I sat on the bed weeping, I began to pray and pour out all of my pain and confusion to the Lord. What a comfort that was! I don’t know about you, but I often forget just how amazing it is to leave all my cares at his feet (I Peter 5:6-7).
A little while later, I emerged from the bedroom to get some water, and that’s when I heard the pitter patter of man feet running towards me. He gave me a big hug and apologized. Even that quickly, God started answering my prayers and reminding me that He has our marriage in the palm of His hand.
When you are hurting, the first place to go is to the Lord. No one cares for us as much as He does.
Slip Your Sweetie’s Reminders of Why You Love Him or Her
Whether you are going through a short argument, or are in a perpetual state of disconnection, take the list of reasons why you chose your sweetie, and slip them to him or her one at a time. One in his lunch bag, one in his wallet, one in the driver’s seat of his car – spread them out over time, but keep a steady stream of “I still choose you because…” notes flowing.
It may not touch his or her heart at first (especially if it has hardened), but the continuous stream of genuine love should begin to melt the ice around his or her heart. Be prepared for some rejection or resistance at first; but, continue to strive to show your partner genuine love and respect, and put your trust in the Great Physician to heal your relationship.
How About You?
When you and your sweetie experience disconnection, what do you do? Do you curl up into a ball and weep (like I tend to do ~smile~)? Do you immediately call friends to distract you from the situation? Do you try to restore the relationship that same hour? Do you avoid the situation completely, hoping it will just be forgotten? Are you satisfied with how you handle disconnections in your relationship?
You will have ups and downs in your marriage; but, hopefully the tips above will help you make the most out of the down times. After you have been married for a while, you will probably have some great tips of your own!
To keep those disconnected moments at a minimum, remember to read the Bible and pray together each day, keep resentments from building, and continuously shower each other with love and respect!
What are some other ways you can redeem the time when you and your sweetie are disconnected?