This year, as Hindsight is our theme, in some of our posts this year, we will be revisiting, updating, and republishing posts which have received a significant amount of shares and/or interactions. We previously published a post called Major Turn Offs in Relationships – Talking about Exes (Turn Offs, Part 2) (you are here ~smile~) and it became one of our most viewed posts to date.
Sometimes, we talk about our exes with a reason in mind. I want to make him jealous. I want to see her response. And, sometimes we talk about an ex because he or she is on our mind. Whatever the reason, it is a huge turn off to potential mates. So much so that the post below has received more attention than many others. If you found this article helpful or believe others would too, please share it!
Those of you who have ever been in a broken relationship know how much an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend changes your life. Whether your ex broke your heart or just influenced your life, you are a different person at the end of each relationship.
One temptation we encounter, especially soon after a breakup, is talking about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend on a date with someone new. What we communicate to others when we babble about old relationships is that we are still hung up on them, we don’t have much of a life outside of relationships, or we are not interested in the person with whom we are speaking. There are a number of reasons people go on and on about old flames with new dates. Sometimes, they want to let the other person know it is too soon; and sometimes, they talk about exes to try making their new date jealous (I would not recommend this. It does not produce good results. Instead, it stamps the word ‘pathetic’ on your forehead. Ask me how I know this….)
Travel back with me a few years to when Eric and I were new friends. Eric was (and still is) unlike any other guy I had ever known and I was a little frustrated. Does he like me? Does he not like me? Why won’t he make a move? Is it possible he simply wanted to spend time with me without pursuing a romantic relationship? I just couldn’t get over it – it wasn’t in my paradigm.
One night, we were working on a project together and I started talking about some guys I used to date. I can’t remember much of what I said; however, I remember one verbal exchange clearly. After finishing up my love tales of yesteryear, I asked, “Does it bother you when I talk about my ex-boyfriends?” His response still makes my stomach drop. He said, “If I was romantically interested in you it might bother me, but I’m not – so, it doesn’t matter.” Perhaps this quote is a paraphrase – after all, it has been a few years now – but his message was clear: “Talk about your exes all you want. I’m not jealous at all!” That’s the last night we spent together before I left for summer vacation. After he took me back to the dorm that night, I did not expect us to ever hang out again, much less be married one day.
At the time, I was shocked and offended by his forward response. This “just being friends with a guy” idea was new for me and I wasn’t liking it one bit, to be honest. So, I went home to North Carolina and complained about his heartless words to my best friend and her mother. The response I received from them was, “Well, what did you expect him to say?” Good question. What was I hoping he would say? I guess I was hoping he would look a little uncomfortable or say, “Can we talk about something else?” just to give me some indication of how he felt about me. I guess in some way I did accomplish my objective. I found out how he felt about me!
My behavior that night was embarrassing. It is so obvious to me now that men are far more attracted to women who are confident, have a life of their own, and who do not rely on games to be noticed. I am glad Eric and I are now happily married despite embarrassments along the way!
So, how about you?
Have you fallen into the temptation of talking about your exes with a new guy or girl? How was it received? Have you ever gone out with someone new only to hear him or her prattle on endlessly about an old relationship? How did it make you feel? How did it impact your respect for him or her? If I were in the dating arena today, and I encountered a man who repeatedly mentioned an ex-girlfriend, I would assume he was still hurting and not ready to date someone new – perhaps manipulating me – or, trying to turn me off. It is not feasible to expect someone’s ex to never come up in conversation, especially if a great deal of pain was involved (e.g., divorce, broken engagement, unfaithfulness, abuse, etc.). But, if he or she can’t stop talking about the ex, even if the talk is negative, you can assume there is still a lot of healing needed.
{Eric’s note: In general, I think it is unhealthy to talk about past relationships as it invites one or both people to create a standard of comparison to your exes and start comparing themselves to that standard. If there is something you appreciate about an ex and you see that same trait in your current partner, then praise the person you’re now with without mentioning the ex. Alternately, if the person you are dating does something annoying which reminds you of an ex’s actions, then talk with that person about it without bringing up your past relationship. In doing so, it will keep the current relationship in focus without comparing your current relationship to a past relationship.}
If you are in a new relationship with someone who talks about ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, let him or her know if it is bothering you. Remember, though, there is a big difference between someone telling you about his or her past and someone expecting you to constantly visit his or her past with them.
Additionally, notice your own behavior. If you catch yourself repeatedly mentioning an ex, ask yourself a few questions:
- Have I healed enough from that relationship to be ready to date again?
- Do I need to broaden my horizons so I have more to talk about than former relationships?
- Am I making this new person uncomfortable or sending the wrong message by talking about old relationships?
Believe me, this major turn-off can sneak up on you! One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard is this: listen twice as much as you speak (that’s why God gave you two ears and one mouth – okay, maybe not true, but profound! ~smile~). If you show interest in the person to whom you are talking instead of hogging the conversation, you will have less time to talk about the past.
Not every relationship is a good fit, but don’t sabotage a potentially awesome one by talking about an ex – it’s not worth it!
Do you frequently talk about your former relationships to your current partner?
Picture: Wavebreakmedia/Depositphotos.com
Originally published: Nov 7, 2012