What role did hospitality play in your home as you were growing up? Was your house the place everyone gathered or did your family keep to themselves? Was there an open-door policy with friends, or did your parents appreciate a pre-visit preparation phone call? When you did have company, did the house have to be spotless or did your folks believe in grungy hospitality?
When I was growing up, we did not have a ton of company partly because all our family lived in town and Grandma’s house was the meeting place. During the school year, my mom stayed extremely busy, and my dad did not mind anchoring down the recliner at the end of a long day. So, we were not famous for our dinner parties or Friday night get togethers.
My husband however grew up with a stay-at-home mom who enjoyed having people over for food and fellowship. So, Eric and I got married and our “normal” collided. For as long as I can remember, the topic of hospitality has been one of our marital rough spots. He deeply desires it; and, if I am honest, I have always feared it.
I am not afraid of the people. I love the people in my life and I do want to have them over. Unfortunately, there is a nagging fear in the back of my mind which will not shut off even after seventeen years of marriage.
- What if they come over and they are bored?
- What if they are surprised by how little decorating we have done in all these years?
- What if they do not really want to come over but feel pressured?
- What if they don’t like what I cook?
And so on and so forth…
When is Fear Ever a Good Reason to Avoid Hospitality?
Rarely is fear a good reason to make any decision. However, if a full-grown bear is in your backyard, yes, let fear (i.e., wisdom) keep you inside. But, if what ifs are keeping you from opening your heart and home, it is not from God. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us separated from each other and believing we are unloved, unwanted, and unneeded. I believe this is one of the reasons God tells us to meet with each other.
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25, ESV)
We need to stay bonded to our brothers and sisters, today more than ever, and hospitality is a necessary conduit to make that happen.
So, we know hospitality is a desirable trait, a positive practice for our marriages, and an integral part of the Christian life. Where do we go from here?
- Start confronting your fear now. If you are nervous about inviting friends into your personal space or entertaining people, don’t wait until you are married and set in your ways to face it. While you are single, dating, or engaged, start squashing that fear. Get to the root of why you are hesitant to open your doors. Fear of rejection? Desperate for quiet, peace, and harmony? Embarrassed about your home? Low on time? Financial aspects of hosting people? It is easier to keep exercising than it is to start exercising, and it is easier to keep being hospitable than to start being hospitable. New marriage will bring plenty of adjustments and learning experiences, so if you are already in the habit of inviting others into your space, it will be less difficult to translate that norm into married life.
- Discuss what you want hospitality to look like in relationship. Be honest. It is easy to act enthusiastic about something you think your partner wants when you are dating, especially if it feels like a lifetime before you are faced with it. Even if I push as hard as possible, I know I will never have the energy to host people several nights a week (and Eric has never asked me to do that). I know it would negatively affect our marriage. Be realistic, talk to other couples about how they incorporated hospitality into their marriages, and meet in the middle as much as possible. If you both love being around people, set up boundaries for private time. If neither of you enjoy socializing, challenge yourselves to spend more time with others.
- Create a culture of hospitality. Make it normal to invite people out to eat after church. Double date at least twice a month – or, weekly, if possible. Start a Bible study with neighbors or co-workers. It is natural to spend as much time as possible together when you are dating, but if you do not prioritize outside relationships while you are dating, it can be hard to start the habit once you are married. Whatever your hospitality plans are for when you are married, start implementing them now. Make consistent hospitality a habit before you have the chance to avoid it.
- Create space for hospitality. This right here has been and continues to be a major blockade for me. Eric and I have loved our home for seventeen years now, but I think the layout is not as conducive to entertaining as I would like. {Eric’s note: we certainly don’t have room for 20 people, but we have plenty of room for two more couples.} A few weeks ago, a new friend asked if she and her family could stay with us a night while they are in town as they were passing through. When I had to turn down her request, I found myself frustrated. It is true that we do not have the space for a family of five to stay with us right now, but if we had intentionally organized our home over the years to accommodate more people, we could have hosted this family. When you are hesitant to clean or declutter, reframe it as a current or future investment in other people.
- Think of hospitality as Christian service. Typing this section out is a convicting experience for me. I know in my mind that I need to be hospitable because I represent Christ. I Peter 4:8-9 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.” Sometimes I need to highlight the “without grumbling” section: But, I don’t feel like cleaning. But, I am tired. But, I have other tasks to complete. It takes energy and effort to open our homes and to sacrifice our time, but how can we reach the lost if we prioritize our comfort and convenience? “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” (Romans 12:1, ESV)
We need other people. Your future spouse will not be able to fulfill your every desire. We need different perspectives, personalities, and generations in our lives, and other people need us. God did not make a mistake when He created us in our mothers’ wombs – no matter the circumstances of our conception (Psalm 139:13-14). People need people. He placed us here for a reason – for such a time as this – and our gifts, even if they seem small and inconsequential, are meant to be shared. Cookies, a warm drink, and a kind conversation might change someone’s life forever – and, in fact, probably has many times.
To those of us who are less naturally social (or who desire being social, but have low social energy), if we do not intentionally prioritize hospitality, we will always find an excuse to avoid it. Will you start building a culture of hospitality in your relationship?
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.” Then the righteous will answer him, saying, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?” And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” (Matthew 25:35-40, ESV)
How can you and your partner start a culture of hospitality in your relationship even before you get married?
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