This week, we’ll be reviewing a few content areas from Clayton and Charie King’s book, 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry. This is an excellent read and a good resource to work through!
Nothing kills a relationship faster than dishonesty. Even seemingly small lies infect a healthy relationship. Sometimes relationships begin with an honesty only policy, but then one or both people decide it’s easier to tell white lies. “If she knew I was late because I ran into my ex at the grocery store, she’d be furious. So, I’ll just tell her I got stuck in traffic.” “If he knew that I spent over $60 on that new shirt, he’d be irate. So, I’ll make sure he never sees the receipt and if he asks about the charges later, I’ll tell him I was clothes shopping for the kids.”
Lying is easier… for a while. But when we get comfortable telling white lies, we become more comfortable telling bigger lies. “She’d be so upset if she knew I was watching pornography again. I’ll tell her I’m working late at the office. If she doesn’t know, it can’t hurt her.” “He wouldn’t like it if he knew my boss was giving me intimate gifts, so I’ll keep them at the office or stash them in the closet. If he asks, I’ll just say they were birthday gifts from my girlfriends. After all, it’s not like we’re having an affair.”
We aren’t smart enough to keep ourselves from getting caught in lies if we lie as a way of life. Before long, our lies will become so twisted they will take over and we won’t be able to continue the charade. Once we are caught in a lie, our significant other or spouse cannot trust us immediately. Even if we are truly repentant, it takes a long time to regain trust – if trust is ever fully regained. “How can I know when he’s telling the truth if he lies?” “How can I trust her if she hides the truth from me?”
Small Seeds
Chances are most people don’t go into a relationship planning to be dishonest. Maybe they mess up and panic and are afraid that their sweetie could never forgive them. Maybe they realize that telling the truth brings a barrage of follow-up questions, so lying seems less exhausting.
Lies are small seeds that grow huge weeds. Weeds don’t take long to grow, and when they do they choke the other plants around them. If you plant seeds of affection, compromise, and good humor, but you also plant seeds of dishonesty, your dishonesty weeds will kill your beautiful flowers. No matter how amazing your relationship, lies will kill it unless they are confessed and trust restored (this will take a lot of work, prayer, and possibly counseling). The more weeds exist, the harder it is to forgive and reconcile.
An Honesty Only Policy
“Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” Such questions should be outlawed in marriage. Is there any good answer? “Yes, it makes you look fat.” “What?! You jerk!” – or – “No, you look great.” “Are you just saying that?” Unless you are truly curious and can handle the answer, don’t ask such questions. ~smile~
Early in our marriage, Eric and I adopted an “honestly only” policy. If I ask him a question, even a potentially hurtful one, he will be honest with me and I will accept the answer and not blame him for it. We don’t set out to hurt each other, but if our kind honesty causes some emotional stings, we have to be willing to accept the pain. As much as it hurts to hear painfully honest answers to uncomfortable questions, I deeply value the trust we share. I know when Eric says, “You look nice in that shirt!” he really means it. I’m also thankful that he wouldn’t let me step out in public in a shirt that looks hideous. ~smile~
On a deeper note, we’ve had to be honest about sins in our lives. We’ve had to confess wrongdoings to each other and seek forgiveness. A few years ago, I attempted to hold back from confessing something to Eric. My entire world fell apart until I told him my hidden failure and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me without giving it another thought and suddenly my heart was light. Honesty is the only way to live!
So, how do you get your partner to always tell the truth? To start, you need to always tell the truth. Do not expect behavior from the other person unless you’re willing to do it yourself (though that statement applied may vary when it comes to roles and duties in a marriage). And secondly, agree on an honesty only policy in your relationship. And if that policy is then broken, it is a serious issue and counseling will often be needed to work through the issues. And if the other person can’t agree to such a policy, counseling is also likely in order for lying is not only a transgression against the person being lied to; but, more importantly, it is a transgression against God.
The Talk
Our first experience with complete honesty happened in preparation for our wedding. At a Song of Solomon conference, Tommy Nelson admonished couples to be honest about areas of failure from their past relationships. We didn’t rush away from the conference and have this talk. If I recall it took us a while, but we did eventually share our pasts with each other. It began as an uncomfortable experience. “What if he gets hurt? What if he rethinks marrying me? Can I handle what he has to say?” Starting the talk was the hardest part; however, once the truth was out in the open, we were able to forgive each other and move towards marriage with complete freedom and a cleansed conscious.
In 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry, Clayton and Charie discuss two different ways to approach The Talk – the Forgive-and-Forget approach and the Tell-All method.
- The forgive-and-forget method suggests that a simple “I’ve messed up in the past, but instead of recalling how I’ve messed up, can you just forgive me?” is enough. This method sounds honorable on the surface. The problem with this method is that it begins a pattern of partial honesty. The marriage relationship is meant to be the closest human relationship we have. If we are not able to share our sins and burdens with each other, we stunt the growth of our intimacy. It also causes a problem in that it requests forgiveness from one person without even knowing what they are forgiving.
Charie King recalled a college relationship where she and her former boyfriend had The Talk. She shared her regrets and failures with him, but then the air around them became uncomfortable. Since he had recently come to Christ and had a more colorful past than Charie, he requested the forgive-and-forget approach and asked her to simply forgive his past. She did forgive him, but as the relationship continued, he felt so haunted by his past that he could not continue in the relationship. He said that he knew Charie, but it felt like she didn’t really know him. Without complete openness and honesty, our relationships can never grow past a certain point and when we are dishonest, our relationships disintegrate. Do you know even one happy relationship where the partners lie to each other?
- The second approach, the tell-all method, is not the most fun or the most comfortable approach to the talk, but it is the way to go. Though I’m not suggesting you go into needless gory details, I do think it’s important to be honest about all you’ve done. It is worth it to enter marriage with no secrets. It is a cleansing experience to hear your future bride or groom hold your hands, look into your eyes and say, “I forgive you.”
Eric and I didn’t look forward to our tell-all talk, but our relationship benefited from it. Neither of us entered marriage wondering if the other would have called off the engagement had the truth been known. The tell-all approach began our relationship on the path of complete honesty and we enjoy the peace it brings to our marriage today. I can’t imagine the anxiety it would produce now by wondering if Eric was being truthful with me.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend refuses to forgive you after you share your past failures, it is time to end the relationship. Marriage will require constant forgiveness and if your potential mate can’t forgive you now, how can you be sure he or she will forgive you for future offenses (and there will be many!)? If you find that you are hurt and confused after having the talk with your significant other, ask for a few days to pray and process. Ask God to direct your next steps. If necessary, seek counsel from a wise, impartial third party.
{Eric’s note: There are, however, reasons where a person may not want to continue in a relationship after the baggage is discussed. Please read this post I previously wrote (Three Reasons Why Pre-Engagement Counseling Could Destroy Your Relationship) where the second point discusses this dynamic.}
Will You Tell the Truth?
Clayton and Charie dedicate an entire chapter in their book to the question “Will you tell the truth?” If you are not ready to be completely, wholeheartedly honest with your potential spouse, you are not ready for marriage. Marriages are hard work – even when both parties are completely honest. If lies are thrown into the pot, your marriage will become exponentially harder. Insecurity in marriage breeds suspicion, restlessness, and an unending parade of questions (e.g., “Where have you been? Who were you with? Why didn’t you call?”).
Eric and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we do enjoy honesty and openness – a couple essential ingredients for a successful marriage. If you don’t already own it, get your copy of 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry and start working through each chapter together. Invest in your future marriage!
Are you ready to be completely honest with a spouse?