When I was a child, I loved Valentine’s Day! The hearts, the red and pink, the balloons, and the candy! Every February 14th, I woke up, went into the kitchen, looked on the table, and saw a card and Skittles or Starbursts from Dad; and, next to my stash was a card and box of chocolates for Mom – Dad never forgot. It was a small gesture which I looked forward to every year. Mom is not a huge gifts person, and Dad was not either, so I do not remember either of them making a huge deal over V-Day. For me, Valentine’s Day was about passing out little cards to classmates and eating myself sick with sweets at the class party!
After I grew older, I loved Valentine’s Day for other reasons: Boys! Boys! Boys! There was nothing better than the anticipation of, “What will the boyfriend get me!?” I still have the XOXOXO card my boyfriend gave me when I was thirteen. When you open it completely, it is about four feet long. I thought, “Wow, I must be loved.”
Then, I discovered disappointment. A few years into my teens and after a few “failed” relationships under my belt, I started to resent Valentine’s Day. Flowers on people’s desks, smiles and giggles, and my own loneliness overwhelmed me. In retrospect, I wish I had known enough to appreciate a single’s Valentine’s Day. Not that I don’t love my husband, but I spent so much time trying not to be single that I wasted a potentially wonderful season of life. Oh, what great adventures I might have experienced had I taken my eye off the focused goal toward marriage and given myself the chance to enjoy the journey on the way there.
Hindsight truly is 20/20.
Finally, I had my forever Valentine. Now what? Limos and roses? Takeout and TV? I did not know what to expect or even what I wanted. Though we did not plan it this way, Eric and I did not make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day that first year, or the second, or the third. Sometimes we give a card. We always go out to eat or get takeout. But, we do not highlight Valentine’s Day – and I have to say… I am glad. I am happy to know we will take it easy and just hang out. I don’t need a reason to feel slighted. Having low expectations in this area brings us a lot of peace!
Now, just because we prefer a low-key Valentine’s Day does not mean we consider that the “right way” to celebrate. Each couple is different, and each person’s thoughts and feelings should be considered. As you prepare for this year’s festivities, consider the following takeaways I have gathered from my first thirty-seven Februaries:
- There are no rules. When a dear couple was expecting their first child, the husbands sent his wife and I off to the movies while they stayed behind and cooked us a lavish meal. Ten years later, I still think about that year with fondness and some laughs. Eric made a chocolate mousse that I can still taste to this day! (Hint hint) {Eric’s note: it took about an hour and a half to make as I made it from scratch – not from a box!} As special as that day was, neither my friend nor I expect something like that every year. It was a sweet treat which created a sweet memory. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day can be one of those sneaky holidays. When you go all out for your partner one year, you may feel the pressure to make the next year even better. If this is you, consider going easy on your first Valentine’s Day. Focus on what he or she means to you and find a kind and understated way to express it. Then, as the years go on, surprise him or her every now and then with a truly unexpected treat. Find a way to express your love each year, but do not get hung up on showmanship. There is no specific way you must celebrate. It is between you and your special someone.
- Valentine’s Day can cause unnecessary hurt feelings – guard against it. One of the main reasons I am not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day as an adult is the havoc expectations (often unstated) can wreak on the heart. Boy meets girl. Girl is sweet. Boy does not realize girl expects a specific type of outpouring on February 14th. Boy does not deliver. Suddenly, sweet girl is devastated and questioning his feelings for her. Though this scenario is certainly not true of every couple, it is not an uncommon tale. The expectations of Valentine’s Day sets people up for disappointment. Because of this, it is important to unlock and discuss your expectations. Self-reflection is uncomfortable for some, but it is better to be honest and upfront with yourself about what you desire than to fight back tears or swallow anger when your unsuspecting partner does not hit the mark. When I was younger, I wanted more; but, at this point in my life, I want an acknowledgment (i.e., “Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you!”) and a nice meal I do not have to cook – either on Valentine’s Day or near Valentine’s Day. No candy necessary. I can buy my own when it is 50-75% off the next day!
- Create your own traditions. It is no one else’s business how you celebrate your Valentine’s Day. If you would rather go for a hike than a romantic dinner, then go hike! If you would rather make each other a card than buy one, no problem. If you and your significant other want to eat store-bought ramen and watch the news, it is your day. Traditions bond us with our loved ones, so if you are willing and able, create your own Valentine’s Day customs.
- Will I be glad I made this decision in ten years? In our early years, I was the world’s worst for buying Eric a lot of stuff. Cute stuff. Funny stuff. Cheap stuff. It was fun, but ultimately the “treasures” turned into junk taking up space all over our house. When creating a gift or experience for your loved one, look into the future and ask, “Will I be glad I made this decision (or purchase) in ten years?” (Check out our digital book, Gift-Giving by Personality Type!)
- Consider making Valentine’s Day about someone else. If you are in a sweet relationship with a special person, every day can be Valentine’s Day if you both work at it. Meanwhile, there are others in your life who are lonely and in need of an emotional connection. The elderly lady across the street might love nothing more than a visit from you and your boyfriend. Your single work friends may appreciate a game night and pizza with you and your girlfriend. If you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day traditionally, there is nothing wrong with that; however, if you want to take your celebration in a different direction, that is okay too – and it might make someone else’s day.
I am not too much different than that young girl who loved Valentine cards and candy. I still find excitement in browsing the Valentine’s stuffed animals at Walmart. Red and pink-colored items with hearts still make me smile and lift my spirits. I am thankful for the reminder to show love to those who mean the world to me. And, I am thankful for the way my husband and I celebrate.
My wish for you is that however you choose to observe the fourteenth of February, you feel better at the end of the day than you did at the beginning.
Much love to you all.
We love because he first loved us. (I John 4:19, ESV)
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:12-13, ESV)
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (I Corinthians 13:13, ESV)
What expectations are you taking into Valentine’s Day this year?
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