I have been a relationship expert since I was twelve. ~smile~ Ever since I was old enough to understand that I liked boys and sometimes they liked me back. Fast-forward ten years, add a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a year of graduate school to the mix, and I really thought I knew a thing or two about love and all that good stuff.
Eric was sixteen when he believes he was called into counseling. He has always had an interest in relationships as well. We were a match made in Heaven – or were we?
What happens when you marry off two marriage “experts?” Confusion? Arguments? Unmet expectations? Maybe we were not as clear on this relationship business as we originally thought. It was a growing process for us and, at times, an excruciating one. Eric and I are opposites. We look at the world in two very completely different ways. Eric wishes he had a dollar for every time I have asked, “Why do you have to make EVERYTHING so hard?” And I wish I had a dollar for every time he has uttered the phrase, “What do you want to *do* with your life?”
We studied differently. We approached work differently. We loaded the dishwasher differently. He worked first and played later. I played first… and worked later – maybe. Needless to say, our newlywed years were not as blissful as we had hoped. ~smile~ We truly loved each other, but we were not as prepared as we thought we were. God has special ways of humbling His people when they need it. ~smile~
So many times we have said, “We wish someone had given us pre-engagement counseling!” It may not seem so on the surface, but it is so different than premarital counseling. Our premarital counseling focused on helping us prepare to be married – sounds great, right? (Well, yes, that is necessary too.) But, before we prepared to be married, we needed to discuss our expectations, our communication styles, the way we show love, and our basic philosophies of life. I might have said I was open to the idea of breaking up if major red flags were uncovered in premarital counseling; but, in reality, by that point in our relationship (I was engaged, after all), I was going to marry him.
Once an engagement ring enters the picture, objectivity flies out the window. No longer is the question, “Are we a good match for each other?” Rather, the question becomes, “How do we make this work come hell or high water?” Eric and I may have gone into this marriage adventure with more realistic expectations had we received pre-engagement counseling and put the tools we learned to good use.
I can probably think of twenty, but in the interest of time (and your attention span ~smile~)… I will discuss five reasons why I wish Eric and I had received pre-engagement counseling.
- We Thought We Knew it All. ~smile~ Most young couples think they have a fairly firm grasp on love and what it takes to be someone’s spouse. “Those sad old people. We will never fall out of love like they did. We will never go to bed angry. We will always kiss each other good night.” It is sweet and somewhat funny to hear young couples make such well-meaning, innocent, and naïve statements. We had a basic understanding that we would not always get along; yet, we could not have predicted how many hurdles we had in our future. Perhaps a relationship coach could have seen through our know-it-all façade and could have helped prepare us for the reality that was to come (counselors and students preparing to be counselors can make the worst clients ~smile~).
- We Were So Enamored with Each Other that Some of Our Issues Were Hidden from View. “You are glowing!” said a twelve-year-old girl at my home church. When Eric and I became a couple, it was clear to everyone that I was smitten. Eric and I would flirt and poke at each other. We could not go more than a minute or so without a hug. We gagged people with our affections. We were that Needless to say, we thought we had the stuff. We loved each other and we were always going to love each other. It would have been beneficial to have someone – an objective third party – look us in the eye and tell us that this ecstasy phase was going to fade and to encourage us to dig deeper. When you are in the first stage of love, significant problems can seem like minor issues because infatuation is like Novocain – it numbs any pain. But, when the medication wears off, couples can clearly feel the ache of formerly hidden troubles. Find the issues, deal with the issues, and then get married – no anesthetic necessary. ~smile~
- It Took Us Years to Learn the Lessons We Could Have Learned through Pre-Engagement Counseling – That is, If We Had Listened and Applied Them. ~smile~ “If only we had known this before we got married” said Eric and Heather a thousand times in the last ten years. God has been good to us and we do love each other (I promise!). ~smile~ We had to learn many lessons the hard way and we want to help other couples avoid the pitfalls that caused us such pain and frustration. {Eric’s note: A primary goal for us is to help our client couples get a three-to-five year jumpstart on really knowing the other person before marriage.}
- We Would Have Been More in Tune with Each Other’s Expectations. If you were to tell me that you have no expectations of your future marriage, I would smile and politely disagree. Even anticipating fidelity between you and your future spouse is an expectation. Thinking he or she should get out of bed every morning is an expectation. We are full of expectations – many of which are hidden until circumstances blast them to the surface. To my knowledge, Eric and I did not discuss our expectations at length. I think it would have profited us much to spend some time on the topic! ~smile~
- We Could Have Begun Work on Our Relationship Before Engagement When There Was Less Pressure. By the time we received premarital counsel, we were on the fast track to the altar. I had my dress. A friend was designing the invitations. We were getting married. Even though we did want to get the most out of our premarital counseling sessions (which, were more like mentoring sessions for the program we went through), we were also checking off a box on our pre-wedding to do If we had cooled our toward the altar jets a bit, we could have received more from the experience if we had gone through meaningful, in-depth study of our relationship prior to the time and emotional pressures of engagement. If you know marriage is a real possibility for you and your sweetie, there is no good reason to wait until engagement for counseling! (In fact, it is better and healthier if you don’t!)
The bad news is that we did not receive pre-engagement counseling. The good news is that we created the program we wish someone had taken us through when we were in that “more than dating, but not yet engaged” stage (our pain, your gain). You and your sweetie do not have to wish you had pre-engagement counseling. You CAN have it! ~smile~ It is here– waiting for you. ~smile~
What is stopping you and your sweetheart from experiencing pre-engagement counseling?