What do you think of when this part of the wedding vows is repeated? Do different scenarios of better and worse situations come to your mind or does your mind glaze over because you have heard this vow repeated time and time again your entire life?
I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
Take a minute to think about it. What are some life happenings that would be considered better? In my mind, ‘better’ could mean that finances are plentiful, kids are healthy and intelligent, loving feelings continue years into the marriage, and life goals are being fulfilled left and right. When I consider what worse may look like, I think of financial disappointments, difficulty with childbearing/infertility, loss of affection, and unfulfilled goals and dreams. These are just a few examples; but, regardless of what ‘better’ or ‘worse’ will look like in your life, you will go through both – the better and the worse.
Wedding days are filled with blissfully happy expectations of better things. Being together will, obviously, be better than being apart! Most couples talk about plans for the future and dream together about what great things lay ahead for them. It is a rare couple, at least among young couples, that spend time talking about the difficult days to come as they do the exciting ones. While we should not go into a marriage with the expectation that it is going to be terrible, it’s wise to enter into a lifelong covenant with a healthy and aware understanding that some days will be worse rather than better.
As I mentioned in an earlier post titled Unhealthy Jealousy, I have wanted children for several years now. When Eric and I were dating, we talked about being parents. We discussed baby names and things we wanted to teach them as they grew. At the time, I wanted four kids and he wanted six. Either way, we expected to have a large family and a house full of life.
However, we have celebrated several years now without little ones in tow. Considering that having a large family was one of our strongest dreams for our life together, we characterize this portion of unfulfilled dreams as one of those ‘worse‘ parts of our marriage (though, we are still hoping and praying – if you are willing, pray a prayer for us too!). It is a trial we never expected to face and without proper perspective and prayer, it is something that can make our hearts sick (Proverbs 13:12).
During these worse times of marriage, devotion to God and each other is tested. In the midst of my hardest days, I can find my heart turning cold and my mind entertaining thoughts that are not consistent with Scripture such as, “God must not love me as much as he does my neighbors and friends. There are so many people in the world who treat their kids like trash. Why have they been blessed with kids and not us? God must be punishing me for something I thought, said, or did when I was younger.” These are the kind of thoughts that can creep into your mind when you are not constantly bathing your mind with God’s Word. The worse days can take over your life if you allow them to do so.
When your heart is broken, it is easy to treat your spouse with vile displeasure. As your bitterness festers, thoughts of how your spouse contributed to your misfortune can consume your mind. For instance, if you someday find your home in foreclosure, you might spend hours seething over money your spouse spent on junk or all the hours of overtime he or she turned down. If your mind is left to think on ugly things rather than the things of God, the worse days of your marriage can lead to a weakening of your marriage (Philippians 4:8).
At the same time, I do not want to paint a completely bleak picture of marriage. We have had many better times together and, if we could choose, would marry each other all over again. God definitely had His hand in bringing us together. We have a similar sense of humor, we like many of the same foods, we both enjoy helping couples with their new relationships, we both enjoy the temperature cooler, we have an adorable golden retriever together who brings us a lot of happiness (and some frustration ~smile~), and our love for each other has matured throughout the years.
Yet, this post is designed to make couples think about those wedding vows carefully – and for those who have not yet uttered them, to really mean what you’re going to say.
We can never fully know what trials to expect, but we can be sure that we will face trails. The questions are: “Am I prepared to endure whatever life throws at me with this person I am about to marry? If the worse times outnumber the better, am I prepared to walk through this life with this person? Am I convinced, based on what I have observed of his or her character, that he or she would be willing to stand beside me come what may?”
Take some time and discuss better and worse scenarios with your future spouse. We often call this the “What If” game. Discuss how you both foresee handling different hardships. Lord willing, you won’t have to go through the things you discuss; but, it is better to be prepared just in case.
What are some better and worse scenarios that you and your future spouse have discussed?
joe says
You can’t even begin to discuss the hardships that will come. If love falls away you have to remember the vow you took. After 21 years of ups and downs and four beautiful kids we’re in the worse. I keep going back to the vow I took. For better or for worse…
Lucille says
God alone is our Strength
He is Faithful and will not give you more than you can bear. Your faithfulness He will richly reward!!
The enemy temptations are poison no matter how appealing he makes them look. He is a liar & father of lies.
God of Heaven will ever secure His children.
As Joshua said, ‘Choose you this day whom you will serve ‘ and may your answer be as Joshua’s: ‘As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.’ Joshua 24:15
Kim says
Does for better or worse include if your spouse has an extramarital affair?
Eric says
In the light of an extramarital affair, reconciliation is best when possible. However, in Matthew 19:9, Jesus said, “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” This is commonly believed to be a biblical reason for which one spouse can divorce another.
Yet, again, if possible, I would encourage reconciliation. It can demonstrate a biblical, powerful redemption – a picture of how God loved us from our own sin.
If it is absolutely not possible, then the spouse who has been sexually cheated on is free to divorce. (Some also believe that in this divorced state, re-marriage is impermissible; whereas, others believe it is okay. Search the Scriptures to come what you believe is the right conclusion.)
Amelia says
Does for worse include emotional and financial abuse? If not, where is that line? What if it’s due to the sickness of depression and low self-esteem? What if the sick person refuses to get help?
Eric says
Where the Bible explicitly addresses a topic, we are careful to constrain our advice to what Scripture says. The only two explicit reasons the Bible gives for allowing divorce (though even still hopeful for repentance and restitution in these cases) are adultery (i.e., sexual intimacy with someone outside of the marital union) and abandonment (i.e., when a non-Christian spouse leaves).
Many people ask, “Well, what about abuse (physical, emotional, mental, etc.)?” Two things: one, I do not see an allowance for divorce for those reasons in the Bible; and two, if a spouse has committed a crime (e.g., physical/domestic abuse), then that crime should be reported and handled by the governing authorities for punishment to be meted out to the offending spouse. It does not serve the marriage well to tolerate criminal behavior within the union. The problem with approving of other ‘abusive’ behavior is that they are subjective standards.
Let’s take ‘financial abuse’ as an example. One spouse may say, “My partner put us into financial ruin by gambling away all of our life’s savings and assets;” whereas, another may say, “My partner committed financial abuse by purchasing a boat I did not approve of our buying.” See how those examples are subjective? In both occasions, there is a lack of financial faithfulness to the relationship, but they have very different consequences and outcomes.
If there has been a criminal act, the offending spouse will be punished by the law and will hopefully be incarcerated for temporary safety. There may also be good reason for the victim spouse to put some distance between himself or herself and the offending spouse if there are thoughts of future, potential harm. But, putting space between yourself and another does not require divorce. Instead, the couple can work through a pastor, counselor, or mediator to restore the relationship.
I also don’t see how a person who is abusive to their spouse is manifesting the fruit of the Spirit as an indication of being a believer. So, if they abandon the marriage, the unbelieving spouse is free go to. But, for a believing spouse, we are told by our Creator to stay within the marriage. Why? Perhaps the marriage has much more significance than people currently ascribe to it… perhaps it has to do with the very image of God itself – and God does not want his image marred.
For additional reading, please check out the below article link. I don’t necessarily agree with 100% of the article, but it is a helpful article to think through in light of your question.
https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/april-web-only/when-does-bible-allow-divorce.html
Daniel Joseph Good says
Thanks for addressing this important and critical aspect