When I was nine years old, I met Lauran. She was bright-eyed, extremely intelligent, and she had an incredible imagination. As a fellow only-child, she understood what it was like to play alone; but, unlike me, she did not need to be entertained. Her mind contained everything she required to create whatever world she wanted. She had the talent to turn an idea into something adventurous – and she still does! Since the third grade, Lauran has dreamed of making a major splash in the film industry; and, regardless of obstacles, she has never lost sight of her ultimate goal. When I think of someone who dreams with fire and passion, I think of Lauran.
Who else comes to mind when I think of a fiery, hard-working, will not take ‘no’ for an answer, confident dreamer? That would be my beloved Eric. Though Lauran and Eric are extremely different people, they both possess a fighting spirit and are not easily discouraged – something I intensely admire about them. Growing up with Lauran prepared me (at least, in part) to marry my dreamer. And, given my personality, I needed the heads up!
My career aspirations changed on a yearly basis until I was an adult – and, even then, I could not drum up as much passion in my entire body as Eric possessed in his right pinky. It has taken a while for me to learn to appreciate myself for who I am; yet, for a long time, I beat myself up for not having as much get up and go as my best pal, husband, mother, and several of my friends.
What was wrong with me? As it turns out, my laid-back personality and pursuit of relationships over career does not mean something is wrong with me; however, because Eric is extremely driven, our natures often clash. During our courtship, we knew we were different, but we were not aware of how different. The disparity in the way we dream and the intensity with which we dream has led to considerable and exhausting frustration.
Like many couples before us, we had to learn the hard way. If we could go back in time, we would explore our dreaming and aspirational differences in much more detail before tying the knot. Whether doing so causes you and your significant other to reconsider your marriage plans or not (and it very well may), it is extremely wise to prepare. It is not fun to discover your new bride or groom is not someone who you thought they were, so keep digging (and digging). Even if you uncover some unpleasant traits in each other, it is better to know now than to find out later when the pressures of life are so much more significant.
The oft-thought belief, “I will marry him now and deal with the consequences later,” never ends well.
How Do I Dream?
My dreamer and I invite you to think through the following questions. If you are currently in a relationship, ask your significant other to digest and answer these questions as well:
- Do you have a major goal – one which will require a lot of time and energy (with likely seasons of temporary failure)? How committed are you to reaching your goal?
- How much of your free time do you spend researching or working towards your goal?
- Do you talk freely about your plans and get excited as you contemplate accomplishing your vision?
- Are you afraid of not making your dream(s) come true?
- Do your friends, family, or significant other complain that you talk about your aspirations too often?
- Is your dream/goal for your life a part of your identity?
- Does it baffle or frustrate you when other people do not live intentionally or if they pursue their ambitions half-heartedly?
- Can you live happily with someone who does not dream big? How big does your future spouse need to dream for you to feel compatible with him or her?
- What, if anything, would keep you from pursuing your dreams? (e.g., moving out of the country, living on a low income, tension in family relationships, etc.)
- Do you struggle to become passionate about any career or personal goals?
- In which areas do you hope to bond with your future spouse? (e.g., sports, religion, raising children, scholarly pursuits, travel, etc.)
- Do you currently have concerns about your boyfriend or girlfriend’s lack of (or surplus of) passion and enthusiasm for life?
Take a few minutes and fill out the short quiz below. It will be most helpful if your boyfriend or girlfriend also takes it. We recommend you complete it when you are alone so you do not have to contend with any outside influences. As with any test, it is only useful if you are completely honest.
Quiz:
Not so much = 1 Point
Somewhat = 2 Points
Yes, absolutely = 3 Points
- My childhood dreams are still important to me.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- In marriage, I expect my spouse to help me accomplish my goals.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- I am prepared to sacrifice as much time, energy, money, and amusements as necessary to reach my goal.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- I expect my spouse to be willing to sacrifice to make our dreams come true, even if it requires a major move, monetary cutbacks, or less time for hobbies.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! ____
- Discussing my dreams with my future spouse is important to me.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- I find it important to marry someone who is committed to the same (or extremely similar) ultimate career or ministerial goal as me.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- Once I accomplish my BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), I will want to create a new BHAG and pursue that.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- Socially, I seek out friendships with those who are passionate and driven – preferably in similar ways as me.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- I tend to judge others who do not appear to be doing much with their lives.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
- Differences in energy levels, commitment levels, and passion are valid reasons to end a dating relationship.
- Not so much _____
- Somewhat _____
- Yes, absolutely!!! _____
If you scored in the 24-30 range, you are extremely goal-oriented and will expect your future spouse to invest heavily in your dreams as well his or her own dreams.
If you scored in the 19-23 range, you are at least moderately driven and will have some high expectations of yourself which will rise to the surface in your relationship. You will also have some high expectations of your spouse – either to invest in your dream, his or her dream, or both.
If you scored in the 10-18 range, you are probably laid back in your lifestyle and not overly focused on future aspirations. If you marry someone who scored in the 19-23 range, or especially in the 24-30 range, you will be uncomfortably challenged by your spouse and possibly feel nagged much of the time. If you are a high scorer dating a low scorer, there is a significant chance you will eventually feel frustrated and held back by your partner’s easygoing nature.
Compare Your Scores
How did you score? How did your boyfriend or girlfriend score? Are you comfortable with how closely you scored?
When love is new, questions like “Do you dream with the same fervor?” do not seem especially important. We tend to think such thoughts as “love will keep us together,” and “as long as we have each other, we can weather any storm.” As nice as those sentiments sound, commitment is what keeps couples together when the powerful, intense loving feelings cool down. And, if loving feelings are a couple’s only foundation, they will crumble when storms come – often out of the blue.
As inconvenient as it is to admit, relationships need considerable substance. They need unwavering faith in God, compatible family goals, complementary temperaments, and similar long-term ideals. Questioning the differences in how you dream is not silly. It is worth investigating, especially if you are a statistical outlier – extremely driven or extremely laid back.
Over the years, I battled feelings of jealousy towards Lauran and Eric – not because I wanted them to be unsuccessful, but because I felt like something was wrong with me for not being like them. However, what I viewed in their lives were often the positives – the stellar grades, the glory from others when they succeeded, and the bliss on their faces when they conquered. But, what I did not dwell on as much were the long nights of hard work, the frustrations along their journeys, and the sacrifices they made to reach their goals. Being driven is not always pretty, and being laid back is not always comfortable. There are pros and cons to both ways of life, but if you shove them together into the same home, they will cause friction.
Two extremely driven people will have their own set of struggles. Two slothful people will encounter considerable strain. The goal is not to be the same, but to be complementary. She who plans to conquer the world before her thirtieth birthday probably needs someone who has the energy to keep up with her and the ability to hang back, when needed. He who is friendly, easy-going, and unmotivated is blessed to have a woman in his life who can add a little fire under his behind – not an explosion, just a small campfire. ~smile~
How do you and your sweetie compare? Do you already have some examples of how you differ? In which ways are you similar? Take notice now and be prepared for tomorrow. It is no fun pulling your partner through life – it will get exhausting and wearying (if you do not believe me, you can ask Eric!). On the flip side, being pulled through life is no picnic either (I can personally guarantee it ~smile~). Eric and I love each other considerably and we have made it through some hills and valleys, but the differences in how we dream have created considerable challenge – and sometimes heartache – for our relationship.
Seriously consider this question: “Do you dream with similar ambition and fervor?”
How did you and your sweetheart score on the quiz?
(If you found it helpful, please share it with your friends!)
Leave a Reply