Are you dating your friend? Take some time and look past the attraction. Is there more? Do you enjoy conversation? Can you be in a room together without touching and still deeply enjoy each other’s company? Today I’m highlighting the seventh chapter of Boundaries in Dating (Don’t Fall In Love with Someone You Wouldn’t be Friends With). Where was this book when I was dating?!?! ~smile~
My Best Friend
Eric is my best friend. If there is anyone I can be myself with, it’s him. He knows my faults all too well and he loves me anyway. We get angry with each other occasionally, but our friendship is strong enough to endure misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and weariness. What makes our marriage function is not the chemistry and the excitement. It’s our friendship.
When Eric and I met, it was not all butterflies and rainbows. We met in a psychology class and I just happened to sit behind him. He was quite talkative and I was relatively shy. He talked to me and asked me to hang out a few times, but I kept him at arm’s length for a while. (Who is this guy?)
Once we did start hanging out, I was under the mistaken impression that he liked me. He bought me lunch one day, but it turns out he had a lot of meal points left he needed to use up. ~smile~ Humbled and surprised to have a guy actually interested in just being my friend, Eric and I began to talk more. We wrote each other a lot of e-mails over a summer and spent a lot of time hanging out and getting to know each other the following school year. By that time we could confidently say “we are friends.”
Our transition from friends to a couple was slow. At the time, I was incredibly frustrated because I was developing feelings for this guy and it didn’t seem like he was developing those same feelings for me. However, in retrospect I’m glad it took us well over a year to become an item. By then, we already knew each other, we knew we had similar life goals, and if either of us had moved away, my heart would’ve been broken. I would’ve missed my friend.
Tingly Feelings
Before meeting Eric, I was addicted to the tingly feeling. I put a lot of stock into butterflies and chemistry. In fact, I dated a number of people I had very little in common with because of the initial spark that brought us together. Unfortunately, once the spark was gone, we couldn’t find a lot of lasting goals in common. By the time Eric and I met, I was ready for something new. I remember saying something like, “I’ll know when God sends me my husband because our relationship will develop very differently than all the others.”
Have you experienced a similar situation? You find yourself deeply attracted to someone, but at the end of the day, your relationship doesn’t have much more than that? What about friends? Do you have guys or girls you love hanging out with but you don’t have that spark? I can understand both. There were a few guys in my life that I just couldn’t seem to leave. The attraction was so strong that it clouded any logical thoughts about the future. The feeling was intoxicating and it’s hard to walk away from such a glorious feeling.
The problem with dating someone you wouldn’t otherwise be friends with is that you might marry him or her. {Eric’s note: that last sentence is profound, you should re-read it. ~smile~} Being in love is great, but being friends is greater. I’m not suggesting that you marry someone you have absolutely no attraction to just because you’re friends. But, I am suggesting that you can grow to love a friend. I didn’t want to throw my arms around Eric when we were first getting to know each other and I’m quite certain he didn’t want to throw his arms around me; but, as we became closer and closer, we became attracted to each other.
Marriage is a long journey. If you marry someone you want to sleep with, but you wouldn’t have much to talk about on a four-hour plane ride, that will be a problem. I hate to tell you this, but sex is not going to be the biggest part of your marriage. It might be the part you look forward to the most, but there will be bills, chores, work, kids, life-altering decisions, and occasional seasons of grief. Can you look at this guy or girl to whom you are intensely attracted and picture going through life together? Could you look forward to going on vacation with this person for more than just sex? Can you picture your future kids hanging all over him or her at Disney World, laughing and giggling?
Final Evaluation
Are you dating a friend? If you broke up tomorrow, would you miss your friendship? If your boyfriend or girlfriend said they wanted to take a step back from the physical part of your relationship (holding hands, hugging, kissing), would you have anything in common? Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend urge their readers to consider whether or not they would be friends with a person before falling for him or her.
Tingly feelings aren’t bad, but if you look past them and can’t find anything else you like about your sweetie, that’s a problem. The following is a quote from the take away tips in chapter seven: “Romance is great. Sexuality is great. Attraction is great. But here is the key: If all of those are not built upon lasting friendship and respect of that person’s character, something is wrong.”
My wish for you is that you marry your best friend like I did. Don’t let butterflies deceive you. If you wouldn’t be his or her friend if there wasn’t a physical attraction, I would step away from the relationship (regardless of how painful it may be in the meantime).
If you haven’t bought your copy of Boundaries in Dating yet, I’d urge you to do so! You won’t be disappointed!
Have you dated someone you were attracted to only to find out you didn’t make very good friends?