If you’re a faithful PreEngaged reader, you will have noticed that I’ve been doing a lot of reading and book reviews lately! I’ll probably take a little break from hitting the books as hard for a short while, but I am glad I ended my whirlwind book tour with Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott.
Though it seems like any couple who shares the same first name would have an easy time transitioning from courtship to marriage, like the rest of us, Les and Leslie had their share of growing pains. Thankfully, they have taken the benefit of their newlywed mistakes, paired with their education and professional experience to bring us this practical, user friendly book!
Expectations
“Have You Faced the Myths of Marriage with Honesty?” This is the first question Les and Leslie ask their readers as well as being the title of their first chapter. In the first chapter they highlight four myths that cause many couples to enter marriage with an unrealistic outlook. One of those myths we’ll discuss today is: “We expect the same things from marriage.”
Maybe we didn’t actively think this phrase verbatim; but, somewhere in the recesses of our minds, we believed this myth at some level. Consider the following quote from Les and Leslie, “What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expect generally happens – especially in marriage. Saying ‘I do’ brings with it a host of conscious and unconscious expectations that aren’t always fulfilled.”
We all enter marriage with a list of expectations. We see others’ happy marriages and expect ours to be similar – or, we witness dysfunctional marriages and expect ours to naturally overcome the same obstacles. At any rate, we each choose to join our life with another person thinking he or she is expecting the same joys, journeys, and challenges we anticipate; but, we soon find out to our horror that we married someone completely different than us (at least, it will seem that way some days). Les and Leslie noted two categories where most marital incompatible expectations reside: unspoken rules and unconscious roles.
Unspoken Rules
As a GRITS (girl raised in the South), I came into marriage with a plethora of unspoken rules that I thought Mr. California (i.e., Eric) should automatically know. For example, men always hold doors open for ladies, even if the lady is fifty feet from the door. If you see a lady who looks like she might be heading towards the door, you make every effort, even tripping over furniture, to get to the door before she does. Courteous men open doors for ladies. Period. Well, Mr. California was not aware of my unspoken rule. Though he showed politeness and well wishes in various ways, in my heart I convicted him of impolite crimes against women.
At the same time, Eric believed that good homemakers always kept a clean kitchen. He must have also believed I would be a good homemaker, a role I am still growing into to this day. So he had an unspoken rule that our kitchen should always be clean. Trust me; I shattered his sparkling dish hopes and clean counter-top dreams! As I’m currently writing, the kitchen is almost completely clean, but there have been many days I couldn’t say that! In fact, one Saturday I shoved dirty dishes into the oven to give the appearance of a clean kitchen to friends who were coming over for a Bible study. Comment on this post and ask me to tell you more about the small fire that came later if you’re interested. ~smile… sort of~
Unconscious Roles
Growing up, my dad did the outside work including mowing grass, picking up pinecones, trimming trees, washing cars, etc. Other than planting flowers, Dad was king of the lawn. Mom worked inside. She did the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, bed making, and bathrooms just to name a few of her jobs. When I came of age, I began helping mom with the inside jobs (small fact for our readers: I’ve never mowed the grass in my life – never once). So… when Eric and I joined our lives together in matrimonial bliss, I expected him to mow the grass and do the outside jobs. Guess what? He hates outside work – no, that’s not strong enough… he passionately despises it. In fact, he often barters computer services (virus removal, hard-drive installation, operating system installation, etc.) with our not-a-computer-expert retired neighbor in exchange for various landscaping needs we have. {Eric’s note: I’m good with working on computers and he enjoys doing the landscaping – I think it’s a great trade! ~smile~)
One the other hand, Eric expected me to make big holiday feasts. After all, his mom did. When I realized that preparing an Easter lamb was a big deal in his household, I was intimidated. I’d never prepared lamb in my life! Then when I found out he wanted to invite people over to eat my lamb, I was even more intimidated. I knew he’d expect me to cook when we got married, but I never planned on hosting dinners at my house. We are all products of how we are raised and the norms we see in daily life!
The New Normal
Consider the following quote from Les and Leslie: “Once you are aware of the roles you each tend to take, you can then discuss how to write a new script together.” The best way to blend your expectations into a workable plan is to first discover your expectations, write them down, and discuss them. When you speak up about your unspoken rules and shine a light on your unconscious roles, you can see how your expectations line up with your sweetheart’s point of view.
Once you talk your differences out, and determine which areas are natural fits for each of you (e.g., one’s a better gift buyer and one’s a better bill payer, etc.), you can declare a new normal – at least, for your household. Even though it was normal for my dad to mow grass and my mom to work indoors, our normal includes Eric working hard at his full time job and building our business, me working on writing blog posts and other content for PreEngaged and other household chores, and our friendly neighbor keeping our trees and shrubs looking neat and tidy. ~smile~ And though Eric’s mom kept a perfectly clean kitchen at all times, our normal is the expectation that the kitchen will be cleaned at least every other day.
Before tying the knot, talk about your expectations. Couples can work through unspoken rules and unconscious roles after marriage, but it’s harder to rationally discuss expectations when they hit you in the face (e.g., what do you mean you won’t grocery shop with me?, etc.) than when they are discussed before they are violated. You won’t be able to create some family norms until you are married and living in the same house, but you can get a head start and save yourself a lot of newlywed drama!
In our pre-engagement counseling program, we dive deep into the topic of expectations and provide a clear, workable construct for couples so they can clearly communicate their expectations. It has been a great benefit to our clients!
Check out Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts! It’s a quick read full of practical advice. There is also a companion workbook that parallels the information in the book. And even if you are already married, there is a lot to gain from the Parrotts’ teaching!
What are some of your expectations of your future mate?