Do you have people in your life that you can never satisfy? No matter how hard you try to please them, they still find areas in your life you need to improve? How do you feel after being around such people? Personally, I hear “You’re broken and you won’t be worth anything until you are fixed” when I’m around the fixers in my life.
Chances are these people only want what’s best for me (and you), but after years of being reminded of all my imperfections, the idea that such people only want what’s best for me rarely enters my mind – especially when I find myself lying on their proverbial couch (and, no, I’m not talking about my husband or parents ~smile~).
Although it is good to have people in your life to challenge you, exhort you, and warn you, it is not uplifting when someone constantly reminds you of the negatives in your life. Often fixers, perhaps out of their deep concern for others, focus their energies on making us aware of the next problem we need to fix in our lives instead of affirming us for conquering our latest challenge. In my personal experience, I am far more willing to listen to an encouraging person challenge me than a negative person admonishing me. Those who cheer me on and celebrate my victories are the ones I listen to in my times of failure. When you get married someday, which kind of person do you want to be to your spouse – one who encourages or discourages?
People often grow to resent those who make a living out of pointing fingers at others. Even if a fixer is quite certain that he or she is helping people by continually pointing out areas of failure in their lives, people quickly learn to avoid them (even if they appear to be listening, they are probably just counting the seconds until the fixer stops talking and moves on).
Here is an example of a conversation with a chronic fixer:
Student: “I just found out that I got the highest grade in my history class!”
Fixer: “That’s nice. What grade do you think you’ll get in your science class?”
Student:”I think I may be getting a C for this term in science.”
Fixer: “Well, if you want to do well in college, you need to concentrate hard on your studies. It’s hard to succeed in your chosen field without a strong foundation in science.”
Instead of congratulating the student’s success, the fixer was concentrating on a negative area in the student’s life. Many times a person may not realize he or she is coming across in a pessimistic manner; however, after several of these exchanges, those on the receiving end of a fixer’s comments begin to feel that nothing they do will ever be good enough.
So, what does this have to do with relationships? Everything. Do you feel like the wrench or the socket in your relationship? It is easy to become a fixer in a romantic relationship. Even if you don’t have a tendency to fix other people, you may find yourself constantly focusing on what can improve with your future spouse. This does not mean you are a horrible person who stinks at relationships. You may focus on imperfection without realizing it only because you are trying to help your loved one operate at his or her best.
As someone who has been on the receiving end of a well-meaning fixer for a good part of my life, I simply want to warn you that taking on the role of fixer in your future marriage can create havoc. If your spouse believes that he or she cannot share anything positive without your finding the negative in each situation, he or she will stop communicating important things with you. When such sharing stops, secrets will begin to build and intimate connection will be lost. Before you know it, your relationship will be stagnant and likely full of resentments that neither you nor your spouse can explain. No one wants to go through life feeling broken and unworthy of love and acceptance.
Here’s my recommendation. Make a habit out of encouraging your future spouse (and family/friends). When your boyfriend shares a highlight from his day, take the time to celebrate with him. If you have to ask him about a less pleasant item (e.g., his science grade), wait until later if possible. Make it a point to find positive points in his or her life. To break even emotionally, Dr. John Gottman, the nation’s foremost researcher in relationships, found that to remain neutral, there needs to be six positive interactions for every one negative interaction. If you are quick to celebrate and be positive with each other, you’ll be more willing to listen to each other’s concerns later.
{Eric’s note: Though Heather is not talking about me above, I have had tendencies to focus on fixing with my motivation being to help her be the best she can be. Ultimately, I’ve learned something very profound in my years on this planet that has saved frustration and quarreling between Heather and I. “Progression is more important than destination.” Perfection is not the goal… extending grace and getting better are the goals. So, if she or I do something about which the other is annoyed, we stop and ask ourselves if they are getting better overall or not. If the other person is getting better overall, we let it go and believe it will be done better next time. If the pattern is continuing to hold, then it is time to discuss it. Bringing up the issue at every incident of the offense (especially when the offense is not major) is emotionally destructive in a relationship – so, I encourage you all to avoid it!}
Do you have a tendency to try to fix people? If so, how has it affected your relationships? Ask your boyfriend or girlfriend if he or she has ever felt like you were trying to fix him/her. If so, have them share with you how it affected your relationship.
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