Wednesday evening, I joined my long-time friend for chimichangas at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We used to see each other several times a week, but life changed, children grew, jobs expanded, and now we catch up when we can. Honestly, though, is there a better way to spend time with friends than over chips and cheese dip?
As we sat, we observed a large table of high school students enjoying what we would assume was a pre-youth group meal. There was the loud one, the flirty one, the jealous one – all the stereotypical members of a young group of friends. Hearing them laugh, watching them pray over their meal, and (especially) feeling the energy of the male and female dynamics took me back in time to my teen years.
It is an understatement to say that I liked boys a whole lot back then. Maybe more than liking boys, I frequently sought out security and reassurance from having them in my life. If someone liked me “like that” then I was a worthwhile person. If no one was giving me that kind of attention, I was a loser. These thoughts were 100% lies straight from the pit of Hell, yet they played in my mind constantly like Baby Shark. Adults tried to show me the truth, but I was deeply mired in the faulty belief that I needed a “man” (or teenage boy) to validate my existence.
This type of struggle is commonly attributed to a lack of affection and attention in the home, but that was not the case with me. My parents loved me, my grandma was my biggest fan, I had a mentor across the street, godparents who loved me, and wonderful friends who are still my friends today. My self-beliefs did not match my environment; but, for some reason, I thought I needed to have a boyfriend.
When I was eighteen, I remember going to dinner with my friends and listening to them laugh over their trouble “finding a man.” My eyes welled up with tears. I was jealous of them because they did not need boyfriends. They wanted them, but they were doing just fine on their own and I wanted to know how that felt. At eighteen, I was already raw and bitter from the self-inflicted heartaches I went through for six years; and, though I should not have entered those relationships so hastily, much of my problem was that I never ended them properly.
Moving On…ish
To start, my dating process left a lot to be desired: Meet boy. Like boy. Ignore uncomfortable feelings in my gut telling me to slow down. Date boy. Fight with boy. Drive boy crazy worrying about my discomfort in the relationship. Break up with boy. Un-break up with boy.
“Heather, why do you always leave yourself an out?” My friend observed my door-cracking tendency when it came to ending relationships. I was the teenager who “broke up” with boyfriends 90% of the way; it was never just a clean break. I always left a little room… just in case. I took the phone call. I met at the restaurant to talk. I lied to myself and said, “We can be friends.” Before long, I was right back in the relationship. My struggle to feel whole on my own led me to make poor (and unkind) decisions.
This tendency followed me to college where I continued to break up in my trademark way. The older we get, the less acceptable this method becomes; and, trust me, it can and will come back to bite.
If you are currently in a relationship but you feel uneasy, queasy, or completely on edge about it, I encourage you to think about it thoroughly, pray, talk to others, and fully decide whether to stay in the relationship before making your exit. And when you exit, then exit and completely shut the door.
Here’s some advice to process through considering the end of a relationship:
- Step outside of your heart for a moment. Be the counselor. What would you advise a friend who came to you with the same concerns you have about your relationship? Sometimes answering the question, “What would I tell my friend to do?” is excellent self-counseling.
- Take what your friends and family say to heart. You do not have to take all the advice your family gives you about love; but, if they have concerns or make observations, listen to them. Actually process what they say and not just give them lip service or head nods. Prayerfully consider and evaluate. When the heart is involved, it is easy to miss what others plainly see (because they can see things objectively). So, no matter how much you like someone, take down your defensiveness and be prepared to hear perspectives from those who know you best. If they become abusive (actually abusive, not just your disagreeing with them) in their remarks, then exit that conversation.
- Be brave enough to write down your observations and concerns. We can ignore the pain in our gut which says, “something does not feel right,” but it becomes harder to disregard when we write down specific concerns, such as: He is rude to my parents. He borrows money from friends and does not repay them. He only goes to church when I ask him to go. Write down the positives as well if you would like but be on guard against artificially inflating the good and justifying away the bad.
- Think about your future together. What do I envision when I think about planning a wedding with this person? Based on what I have experienced so far, what can I expect a honeymoon to be like with him or her? Do I have confidence he or she will communicate with me and work hard during our first year together? What should I expect with this person as a father or mother of my children? Can I imagine being married to him or her for five years? Fifteen years? Fifty years? If we did not get married, would we continue dating or would I break up with him or her?
- Stop hoping “it will get better later.” If you are married and hoping for improvement, start working towards it. Do all you can from your end to improve your marriage and pray that by God’s grace your spouse will follow suit. However, if you are dating or engaged, squash that desperate voice inside your head tempting you to ignore glaring problems. We vividly remember an engaged college couple declaring to us, “It will all be alright once we are finally married and can just cuddle on the couch.” It was a sweet, but inaccurate, thought. The red flags you see before marriage only get bigger and redder after marriage. {Eric’s note: A recent quote I read on social media stated: “When you wear rose-colored glasses, the red flags in your relationship just look like regular flags, not red flags.”}
- Ask for help. If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help; don’t delay. If you are unsure of how to break up with someone, talk to a friend or mentor who has been through your current situation and season of life. Matters of the heart are fragile and vulnerable, but we all need help sometimes, especially when our emotions cloud our own judgment.
- Take your heart and worries and helplessness to the Cross. I adore the song, What a Friend We Have in Jesus.
- What a Friend we have in Jesus.
All our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit.
Oh, what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” - As a young person caught in yet another poor relationship, I hesitated to take my mess to God. I envisioned a Father who was weary with me and One who shook His head and thought, “This again?! Will you ever learn? Will you ever just listen to me?! Why are you back? You did not listen to me last time.”
- But, those thoughts were not from God. Yes, I needed to repent of sins and cling to Christ in every area of my life, but God was certainly not telling me to “get lost.” Those were my own insecurities and a profound misunderstanding of who God is. If you are in a bad relationship, cry out to Jesus.
- What a Friend we have in Jesus.
- Shut the door, lock it, and put furniture in front of it. When the relationship is over, admit it, and put a blockade between you and that person. Unfriend, unfollow, block, and remove their contact from your devices. It may seem mean to do so, but it is one of the kindest sacrifices you can make for another person. As much as I want to lie and say that I kept talking to my ex-boyfriends because I felt sorry for them (and I did), the truth is, I was afraid of being completely without them. It was about me. It was selfish. When my friends end their bad relationships kindly and completely, I feel so incredibly proud of them.
- Create a list of remembrance. After the relationship is over, a hole is created and it can be very tempting to run back to that person to re-fill it to restore homeostasis. Instead, write down a list of reasons why you ended the relationship and post it up where you will read it every day. Could be the bathroom mirror, could be a bedframe post, could even be a bare wall. Post it up and read it daily until the emotions subside and you no longer have that pull to return to that ended relationship.
If there is any past emotion from my past I still remember today, it is the anguish of knowing I needed to end a relationship. Doing so was most unpleasant (as I displayed by rarely doing it well). But let me encourage you from the other side: it does get better. The pain lessens over time. Eventually, the Everest-sized struggle you are experiencing right now will be a distant memory. Yes, there may be some scars, and some life lessons, but hopefully there will also be a greater sense of who you are and the kind of person you want to marry.
Start by looking into your relationship. Are you being honest with yourself? Are you hiding from problems you see but would rather not admit? Are you purposefully not looking because you do not want to find cracks in your perfect partner?
It is wise for every dating couple to evaluate their relationship before getting engaged; in fact, that is why we started PreEngaged. We want couples to avoid the breakup and makeup game which causes ongoing heartache, and help couples move from dating to engagement with confidence. If you are serious about considering a long-term relationship with each other and would like to work with us and help you understand yourselves and each other better, please contact us and let us know! We’ll be glad to work with you two to help you gain clarity and peace for your future.
Are you ready to take a long, honest look at your relationship this week?
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