If there is one action in this entire world I cannot stand, it is bullying. Even as a kid on the playground, I could not stand to hear or see another child bullied.
On one hand, it is easy to hate the bully. He is a monster! She is an arrogant princess who lives to put other girls down! But truthfully, the bully is probably hurting immensely. What other reason do people have to push others down unless they feel lower than dirt themselves? Bullies often have a gang they are trying to impress, and there is almost always a wound in the bully’s heart that drives such vicious behavior. {Eric’s note: I would say that some bullies just like the feeling of power that bullying gives them, but it often also comes from a place of insecurity.}
When I was a little girl, I lived in a neighborhood filled with kids. Unfortunately, a few doors down lived a little girl who did not like me. I’m not sure what I could have done to her since I’m certain she had it out for me even before I was old enough for school. And, her distaste for me may not have been so bad if she did not “rule” the entire block.
Sure, when there was no one else to play with she would “honor” me with her presence; but, just as soon as anyone else was available, she fled. My memory is a little fuzzy on the events, but it seems like I remember her trying to turn others against me. If not actively, she at least steered them in her direction.
She was one of a gang of kids that so “graciously” stopped by to tell me my cat had been run over by a neighbor’s car. She offered me the chance to play with her and her friends if I brought them bubble gum. She squirted my glass door with a water gun when I told her I could not loan my bike out to her friend. And, my mom recalls her picking flowers out of our yard and then trying to sell them to my mom. She was a little somethin’, let me tell you.
Thankfully, I don’t remember the words she would say to me. I’m certain she was cruel in her speech, but by the grace of God I cannot remember specifics. Well, other than something about her new bike tires being able to knock me in the head.
Sweet Revenge?
Years later, I saw this young lady at community college. I don’t think she noticed me, but I surely noticed her. She looked tired, frustrated, and she was carrying a toddler on her hip. My initial reaction was not grace-filled. For a moment, I hoped she was suffering. I wanted to sarcastically say, “Life not working out for ya, sweetie? Your dreams not coming true? Awww… poor baby.” After all, she had caused me to feel unwanted and hated so early in my life.
But then the Holy Spirit convicted me. For as much as she had hurt me, she was probably hurting all the more. Regardless of how miserable someone makes us, is it really ever okay to cheer at their demise? No, it’s not. As followers of Christ, we are expected to forgive, show kindness, and reflect God’s love to the world.
Needless to say, my old neighborhood “non-friend” and I did not connect. We did not share secrets. We did not have sleepovers at each other’s homes. We weren’t invited to each other’s birthday parties. It is not natural to share your inner most thoughts and feelings with someone who lives to plunge you with emotional daggers. Most people are going to start building walls around their hearts when dealing with such folks.
Bold-Faced Bullying
According to Google, bully is defined as: “use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.”
Bullying is bad enough, sometimes fatal, when it comes from a random kid at school or a neighborhood jerk, but bullying hits all too close to home when it comes from someone who is supposed to love you.
When bullying happens in romantic relationships, it severs the connection. Couples can work to rebuild, but human nature prompts us to hold back our hearts from people who insult us, hit us, defame our characters, and psychologically abuse us.
Some relational bullying is straight-forward.
Girl, I told you if I ever caught you looking at him again you were going to get it! You just wait. Do it again and see what happens. You better make me awfully happy if you want me to calm down and forget it. Yeah, you know what I mean.
You never bring home enough money. You sorry excuse for a man! Other people our age have nice things, but no, not us. You must not be smart enough for a promotion. There goes Idiot, off to the bank to cash his $5 check. Yeah, that’s what I’ll call you from now on… Idiot. Hey Idiot, can you fetch me some dinner. Go on, Idiot. You can do it, Idiot. Maybe that single, handsome man next door knows how to keep a woman happy. He makes a lot of money. I bet he could take care of me. Don’t you think, Idiot?
Passive Bullying
Bold-faced bullying takes some guts, a lack of fear, or just plain stupidity. It is amazing what a scorned human begin is capable of when pushed too far. Passive bullying can be done in a calm tone of voice; it can even been disguised as humor.
Haha. Yeah, I see you looking at him. Girl, you must be crazy. You think anybody else is going to put up with you? You know I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You crack me up, though. Thinking that guy over there would even look at you cross-eyed. You know I love you, right? You wouldn’t want to leave me. I’ll stay no matter how annoying you get, because I’m the real deal.
Thanks for the paycheck, Honey. Maybe now I can buy that skirt I’ve been eyeing at Goodwill. Haha. Yep, I do love the new styles they are coming out with over there. I could start a new look. “Style for the woman whose husband won’t ask for a raise.” It has a ring to it, don’t you think? We’re living on love over here. Yes, sir… we don’t need fancy things like electricity.
Enough is Enough!
Ask anyone who has ever been bullied if there is such a moment as “the breaking point.” When someone pokes you with a stick once, it hurts a little, but then the pain goes quickly. If you were poked five times in a row, it would hurt worse and for longer. If you were poked for fifteen minutes straight, the pain would increase from annoying to intolerable. At some point you would probably jump up, grab the stick, and start wailing on the intruder. I think of the scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie couldn’t take it anymore and started beating the snot out of the neighborhood bully, Farkus. When someone is pushed around long enough, he or she will explode. The explosion may take on any number for forms, but there will be an explosion.
Nothing good comes of bullying. It is not motivating. It is not tough love. It is manipulation and psychological abuse. Period. If you use bullying as a means to get your sweetie to do what you want, that is not love.
I Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Does any part of this passage sound like bullying?
It’s Time to Get Out
In a dating relationship, or marriage, bullying can go on for just so long before extreme damage is done – damage leading to depression, anxiety, or even suicide, and/or damage causing the recipient to outwardly snap.
If you are being bullied in a relationship, it is time to get out. If you are afraid to get out, seek out help and remove yourself. You certainly don’t want to marry into a situation like that. One research study stated that 95% of domestic abuse victims were physically abused… before marriage. If you are being physically abused, get out… now.
If you are married and your spouse is bullying you, seek out counseling. If he or she is willing to join you, then great! If not, try to seek pastoral or professional counseling on your own. If you believe you are in danger, seek out someone who can help you get out of that environment. Hopefully, you can both receive counsel while you are separated. If you are so angry you are afraid you may harm your bullying spouse, it is good to separate until you can both work through the issues in your relationship.
If you know someone who needs to read this article, please share it with them.
So many people are harmed each year by bullying. You don’t have to go far to find a victim. It is not innocent fun. It is not sarcastic humor. It is shameful and life-altering. And there is certainly no place for it in the home.
As children come into your life, I would strongly advise you to take a stand against bullying in the home by having a zero teasing/bullying tolerance policy among your kids. Nip it in the bud early and praise them when they stand up to a bully or for each other.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Are you currently being bullied in your relationship?