One of Eric’s character traits that still amazes me to this day is his extreme lack of jealousy. When we started dating, I expected him to display a hint of suspicion on occasion, but he never did! What kind of a man is never jealous?!
Though he expects me to be wise and stay out of compromising situations, he does not show any discomfort in my speaking to or befriending other men – of course, in an upstanding, completely appropriate way.
When we were dating, there was never a “Who was that?” or “Why were you talking to him?” In the twelve years we have been together, he has only asked me to cut off communication with another male once – and that had nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with my emotional well-being.
When I was his girlfriend, I wanted him to appear a bit more jealous – not raving lunatic jealous (I have seen that and it is not pretty), but jealous enough to show me that he did not want to lose me. Instead, his logic ascertained that if I was foolish enough to walk away from a good relationship, then it was my loss. There really is no place in serious relationships for jealousy games, anyway – at least, not in healthy relationships.
The Results of Jealous Behavior
Jealousy is nothing new; it has been around since Cain and Abel. When we find that special man or woman, the thought of someone swooping in on our territory can make us furious! (Unless we are like Eric, that is. ~smile~)
When Eric and I run across jealous boyfriends or girlfriends in our coaching sessions, a red flag goes up for us. We see a lack of trust. We see insecurity (in the relationship and possibly within themselves). We see the potential for violence. Pangs of jealousy are normal for most people, but when that jealousy starts to take over, there is a larger, underlying problem. As jealousy grows, it compels people to spy on their significant others, go through their belongings, and even live in a paranoid state of being.
Constant questioning and accusations lead to feelings of imprisonment. No woman (or man) who has lived through a jealously-saturated relationship would tell you the experience made them feel loved. Instead, victims feel like acquired items who must walk on eggshells at all times in their relationships. It is no way to live.
A Jealous Memory
One night, many years ago, a family friend innocently kissed me on the cheek. Like any naïve young girl would, I mentioned it to my boyfriend; he could not let it go, no matter how many times I reassured him that it meant nothing. Months later, he was still bringing it up and the look on his face was one of deep pain – almost as if he had picked at a small wound until it grew large and infected. As we sat there… again… talking about it… he rammed his fist into the roof of his car. Was I next in line to get punched? Thankfully, we broke up before I had a chance to find out.
That was one of many examples of his jealousy. It got to be so bad that even mentioning other males in any capacity would set him off. It was not cute and it did not make me feel secure – quite the opposite. It was a prison; it was not love.
After eleven years of marriage to a man who trusts me, I can say with complete confidence that there is blessing in the freedom in love; whereas, control is self-seeking.
Should I Not Hold Tightly to What is Mine?
If you are about to get married and you cannot trust the person you are marrying, do not get married. Whether the problem is real or imagined, no couple should enter into a covenant with each other if there is a lack of trust. When we are afraid of losing something, we often hold onto it tighter. For example, parents strengthen their grip on their children when they walk through a crowd, or we hold onto our hats if we get caught in a sudden wind.
It cracks me up watching Eric cuddle with our six-year-old golden retriever. At first, Ramsey jumps up on the bed and willingly lies down beside her master. A few minutes later, I walk by to find Eric holding her down in cuddly bliss while she shoots me a ‘please help’ look. After a while, she begins to wiggle and slowly back out of his arms. If he is not done snuggling, he will throw a leg over her and pin her down. She lets out a sigh and waits it out, but she is clearly not having fun and is not enjoying the “love.” I imagine she feels imprisoned and cannot wait for him to say her release word and set her free.
This is what happens when we hold someone too close. We suffocate him. We strip her of her freedom. We assert our will over his or hers. The relationship suffers and what should be a partnership becomes a warden to prisoner relationship. {Eric’s note: though the above is true, Ramsey willingly keeps coming back for more – so, I think deep down, she likes it! ~smile~}
If I Loosen Up, I Might Lose Altogether
It is time for a cliché! Are you ready? “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Okay, so maybe it is not always this cut and dry, but if you have to hold something down to keep it from leaving you, do you even want it? Is it scarier to be alone than with someone who does not really want to be there?
Relationships are ruined by jealousy and suffocation. I have experienced it. I have witnessed it. If you loosen up, you may save your relationship. Holding it tighter causes the other person to pull away more and resent you in the process.
I remember a relationship specialist saying that if one person asks for space and the other person honors his or her request, the first person often returns; but, if one person requests space and the other panics and crowds in (e.g., calling incessantly, showing up at random places, writing letters, crying and begging), then it drives the first person farther and farther away until they are gone.
Sometimes We Have to Fight for Freedom
Freedom is so beautiful. It is what our hearts experience when we repent and put our trust in Christ. It is what our soldiers secured (and continue to secure) for us by their ultimate sacrifice. And, it is what we feel when we are in a healthy relationship.
Eric is no doubt the leader of our home, but he does not hold me under his thumb. He does not check my phone. He is not at work chewing his nails, wondering who I am with or randomly slipping by the house to see if anyone else is here. He does not feel the need to interrogate me about my day or demand that I text him intermittently. He lets me breathe and I let him breathe. We are free.
If you are in a relationship ruled by jealousy or insecurity, take a step back before getting engaged. Talk it out. If necessary, go to a Christian counselor or relationship coach and get to the bottom of why the problem exists. No matter how much you love each other, constant suspicion and accusations will rub your hearts raw after a while. Marriage is wrought with challenges and yours will stand a better chance of success if you begin from a place of strength and wholeness.
Today, Americans celebrate the birth of our nation and remember the men and women who sacrificed everything to keep us free. Freedom comes at a price – and this is also true in love. Sometimes we have to fight to keep our relationships free. We have to fight our fears and our desire for control. We have to fight through the rough spots and keep on growing. We have to plant our flag and declare that no one or nothing will destroy us.
Again, if your relationship is suffering due to a lack of trust, insecurity, jealousy, or any other damaging emotion or behavior, please work through it completely before tying the knot. Do it for yourselves and do it for any future children you may have.
Do you feel a sense of freedom in your relationship?
Picture: iStockPhoto/ALotOfPeople