As some of you know, I have recently started a weight loss journey. A couple months ago, I was lying in bed and the thought crossed my mind, “I’m not willing to be fat anymore!” I’ve heard it said that change happens when the cost of staying the same is greater than the cost of making difficult life adjustments. I’m not quite sure what got me to that breaking point, but ever since then I’ve been looking forward to becoming healthy and doing activities I have been unable to do, or uncomfortable doing, at my current weight.
A few years ago, I did Weight Watchers (WW) online; but, after a few months, I quit tracking my food and it became a waste of our money; so, I cancelled the membership. Recently, after trying to convince myself that I could lose weight without a specific food plan, I realized that I needed structure in regards to my eating if I was going to be successful. BUT, how was I going to get Eric on board with me signing up for WW online again after I squandered it in the past? Then I had a beyond brilliant idea! I proposed to him that if I didn’t lose a specified amount of weight by the end of the three months, I would have to pay back the cost of the first three months of WW out of my blow money (in our monthly budget, “blow money” is a small amount of money we allocate for each of us to have for which we are not accountable to each other – we can “blow” it however we want.)
To up the motivation, Eric agreed that I could sign up for WW again under the condition that I not only pay back the cost of three months of WW, but that I also pay a certain amount of my blow money to an organization that I despise. At the time, I had three months to lose a certain amount of heft, and it seemed quite reasonable, so I agreed!
A month and a half into the plan, I found myself stressed beyond belief. I wasn’t losing weight as quickly as I thought I could! The agreement we had made stressed me out and I found myself researching ways to lose weight quickly, so I could reach my goal. After breaking down in tears on the phone to my mom, it became clear that I had bitten off more than I could chew.
After thinking about the situation more objectively, I sent Eric a proposal as to how I could still stay motivated without riding the morning weigh-in roller coaster! Anyone who knows Eric knows that he is a man of his word, so he has a difficult time changing agreements. However, after talking the situation through, mulling it over, and considering pros and cons, Eric responded to my proposal with a counterproposal that was more challenging than my second idea, but far more reasonable than my original idea.
Suddenly, it was as if 50 lbs. had been lifted from my chest! The new plan is motivating, but in a non-stressful way! For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I’m enjoying my weight loss journey because I am taking the long road to success instead of taking unrealistic measures to get quick wins.
Though I wish I could say that I’ve never placed any other unrealistic expectations on myself, or my marriage, I know I have… multiple times.
The problem with setting your goals too high is that the more you fail, the more discouraged you will become. The more discouraged you become, the less likely you will be to pursue goals. It is true that we should shoot for the moon so that we’ll land among the stars, but there is better and worse ways to do so. If your goal is to complete a Bachelor’s Degree, that’s great! However, if your goal is to do so in eighteen months while working full time and raising kids, you should probably rethink your goals. After all, what’s more important? Finishing well in four years, or throwing in the towel after nine grueling months?
{Eric’s note: I think the types of motivating goals one sets also has to do with personality. For me, an outlandish goal is more motivating. If I set a goal to make a reasonable 1,000 widgets (just for example, I don’t have widgets to make ~smile~) and hit it, it would be okay. But, if I set a goal for 10,000 widgets and end up making 3,500, then that is a 250% higher output than my previous “reasonable” goal and the thoughts of what I can accomplish being heightened by going for it with intensity is more appealing to my type of personality. Is that appealing to Heather’s personality? Well, not as much. ~smile~}
If you place unrealistic expectations on yourself, chances are you will do the same in your marriage. If you strive to be all that you can be, you are going to want your spouse to do the same. When you set goals for your relationship (e.g., daily exercise together), do it as a couple. Talk the goal through and look at it from multiple angles. Don’t agree that you are going to walk an hour together after dinner seven nights a week without taking into account that you have occasional night time responsibilities. And above all, be willing to renegotiate if your personal or relationship goals are proving to be unrealistic. Changing, or revamping, your goals is not a sign of failure. It’s actually a sign of wisdom! Changing your goals before you get frustrated is far better than exhausting yourself for a season and then quitting.
Practice setting and accomplishing relational goals before getting engaged. Be willing to compromise, even if you have a difficult time with change. Believe me: your marriage will be full of changes, compromises, and surprises. Better start practicing now!
Do you tend to set unrealistic expectations/goals for yourself?