When it comes to sex, the world has a lot of advice. You don’t have to look too far to find a sex quiz, an article about how to have better sex, and a willing “expert” who would love to tell you all he or she knows on the topic. It is a favorite subject for many, so you will never have to look far for sexual advice. And, because sexual advice is so plentiful, we have to be careful what advice we take.
Be leery of people who encourage you to go after your own sexual needs. Though they probably mean well, they are presenting a picture of sex that is less than ideal. The beauty of sex is that in giving selflessly to your spouse, you also receive great joy and pleasure, but the focus is not on pleasing yourself first, but your spouse first.
When you want to learn more about something, it is wise to consult with the creator of the product. In this case, God has much to say on the subject of sex, and we would all be wise to glean from His wisdom!
Picking up from where we left off from Monday’s post (Preparing to be Sexually Active in Marriage), here are three more tips to prepare for marital sex!
Read and Study The Song of Solomon
Anyone who thinks the Bible is prudish or does not talk about sex has not read The Song of Solomon. It is a fantastic book of the Bible to read in preparation for marital sex. In addition, I would strongly recommend going through Tommy Nelson’s Song of Solomon DVD series (where he delivers an exegesis of the entire book) for either physical purchase, digital purchase, or digital rental.
And if you are not yet married, do not watch his sessions alone with your sweetie. Trust me! ~smile~
There are so many worldly views on the sexual relationship, usually pushing people to get all they can. So many people (who honestly desire to please God) run to the other side of the spectrum and treat sex as a taboo act reserved only for procreation.
I’m here to tell you, God wants us to enjoy marital sex. He created it. He wants us to delight in it. The Song of Solomon makes that quite clear and removes any idea that sex is not to be thoroughly enjoyed by both spouses. The book also shows the tenderness and giving that was meant to illustrate how sex is supposed to work best.
Prepare for those Times When Your Spouse Wants it and You Don’t
The day is coming. The day when you rush home from work wanting to hop under the covers for some marital bliss only to discover that your spouse is sick, angry, frustrated, stressed, tired, or simply not in the mood. And, there will be days when the roles are reversed and your spouse is “in need” of some special bonding time, but you would rather sink into the couch and watch TV.
Before I was married, I didn’t think I could have imagined not wanting to have sex. Turning down sex would have been like turning down a large piece of strawberry short cake. Why on Earth would anyone do that? ~smile~ Sex, even though it is a lot of fun, takes significant energy. When I say that sex is an act of giving, I don’t just mean giving of oneself physically. There is emotional giving too – so when one or both parties is exhausted, sex does not sound nearly as appealing as it does when both spouses are well-rested.
There will be times when you need to give of yourself even when you are not “feeling” it. In moments when it is clear that your spouse wants, or even needs, to have sex with you, prepare to selflessly give. More often than not, it is the woman who is less interested in physical intimacy due to the thousands of thoughts running through her mind at any given time; yet, that is not always true. A well-loved woman is often ready to play more often than the stereotypical over-worked, over-stressed, under-loved woman.
If you don’t feel like you are in the mood, take a few minutes and freshen up. Take a shower if you would like. Light some candles and relax. Pray if you need to. Try to let the worries of the day melt away, and prepare your body for sex. And, if you are the one who wants sex, help your spouse out. Help with chores. Help get the kids ready for bed. Make his or her life easier so he or she can relax and prepare for some much needed romance.
Work at Keeping the Flame Burning Bright!
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Sex begins in the kitchen.” Though the kitchen may sound like a fun place to have sex, I’m pretty sure that’s not what this saying means. ~smile~ If a man gets up, ignores his wife, pecks her on the cheek on his way out the door, does not communicate with her all day, comes home and eats dinner, flops onto the couch for a few hours while she tends to the dirty dishes and the kids, and then suddenly wants sex after the kids are asleep, I am 99.9% sure that his wife will not be in the mood. No woman wants to open herself up and give her deepest intimacies to a man who has demonstrated no regard for her heart.
In the same way, a man who wakes up to a nagging woman, goes to work with a list of errands to run, comes home to an angry wife, and has to listen to a barrage of complaints over dinner is probably not going to be ready to tenderly caress his wife sexually. He’s probably going to want to run to a happy place where there are no squawking women.
Though sex seems like the greatest recreational act on the face of the earth to you now, it will become mundane and boring if you and your future spouse do not spend time and energy keeping the flame burning. The best way to keep the flame burning is to make improving your relationship a constant goal. Keep learning about each other. Keep showing each other love. Keep studying God’s word together and putting what it says into practice. When a married couple is deeply connected, they desire sex naturally (barring medical problems or emotional wounds which need healing).
In addition to continuously working on the health of your marriage, you and your future spouse should make it a point to spice up your love life. Sex is not a step one, step two, step three process. Get creative. Go on getaway weekends. Purchase or create a game to play together to make sex more exciting and enticing. Explore each other. You may think you know all you need to know, but pretend you are newlyweds, take your time, and become acquainted with each other’s bodies all over again.
If you are readers, pick up Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. Even if you aren’t readers, you will want to read this one! This book helps married couples enjoy a more fulfilling sex life; but, be warned! If you are not yet married, only read the first four chapters and the “For Men Only” or “For Women Only” chapters. Reading ahead will only cause you unnecessary temptation, and most pre-marital couples don’t need more temptation! ~wink~
The Ultimate Gift on Earth
Consider the gifts table at a wedding reception. Imagine a glowing white box wrapped in the middle of the table that says, “From: God.” Sex is the gift God gave to couples to enjoy in the context of marriage, and He certainly gives the greatest gifts. Cherish His gift, take good care of it, glorify Him by using it as He intended it, and you can enjoy it for many years to come. ~smile~
What sex tips have you received from family, friends, or the media? How do those tips line up with God’s design for sex (i.e., the Song of Solomon) between a husband and wife?