Guys and girls, girls and guys… when hormones and confusion abound, we don’t always know if we really like someone or if we are simply enamored with the attention we’re receiving.
Is there someone with whom you are spending a lot of time, but you don’t know if you *really* like him or her? Are you concerned that the light, airy feeling you’re experiencing is coming from the excitement of having someone interested in you? If it’s clear that your friend is googly-eyed for you, but it’s taking you a long time to decide if you are into him or her, you may run the risk of stringing this person along if you are not careful.
While you are evaluating your feelings, praying, and talking to your parents and other mentors, consider the following five ways to avoid giving false hope this young man or woman:
- Determine the purpose of the relationship.
Can you see this relationship having a future? Do you have dreams and life goals in common? Do you want to take similar adventures in life? If you choose to enter into a relationship with this man or woman, you are confidently saying, “This relationship could quite possibly lead to marriage.” If you are not convinced that a relationship with this person could (or should) one day lead to a lifetime commitment, don’t pretend it’s going somewhere. Playing “relationship” is not fair to the guy or gal who may be developing deep feelings for you. - Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly.
Even though being “just friends” with Eric frustrated me at times, I look back on that season with fond memories. We got to know each other – really know each other – without feeling the need to put on a front inside of a relationship. By the time we moved into the courtship phase of our relationship, we knew we were heading for marriage. All the getting-to-know-you jazz was behind us and we were confident in our decision to begin a romantic relationship. If you are friends with someone you could see as a potential mate, allow the relationship to blossom slowly. Don’t pull the flower out of the ground before it blooms. - Evaluate whether or not he or she is feeding an underlying hunger in your life.
Sometimes it may feel like you have feelings for someone when in reality you are just enjoying what the relationship is doing for you (e.g., being in love with love, not being in love with the other person). Is he or she filling a need in your life to be wanted? … admired? … cherished? … heard? Be honest with yourself and decide if you are truly interested in the person or if you are only interested in the benefits he or she brings to your life. We all want to feel important, but taking love from someone when we have no intentions of returning it is self-seeking. “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:10, ESV) - Don’t accept a lot of gifts, free meals, or special treatment.
Let’s face it. It isn’t easy turning down gifts, dates, and the royal treatment. When someone wants to pour out love on us, it’s hard to turn down; but, if you are not sure you want to be in a relationship with the gift giver (i.e., dating with the understanding that this could be your spouse one day), it’s better not to accept a lot of special treatment. Even though he or she may claim that nothing is owed in return, accepting gifts is a way of leading someone on. In some ways, handing over a gift to a potential sweetheart is like handing over a small piece of your heart. If the gift is gladly accepted, the gift giver begins to feel emotionally bonded to the receiver. You don’t have to turn down the first gift (unless it’s a diamond engagement ring or jaguar), or maybe even the second (friends sometimes love giving to other friends), but if it becomes a pattern, you should probably let him or her graciously know that while you appreciate the former gifts you won’t be comfortable accepting more at this point in time until you’ve come to know each other better and are in an established relationship. - Stop flirting!
Some personalities are prone to flirting and some are not, but regardless of your natural flirtatious energy, be careful not to flirt with someone who has feeling for you unless you are sure you are interested. Some flirting steps over the line of what’s acceptable in a premarital relationship and should be avoided either way, but the seemingly innocent eye-batting, winking, and constant bashful grinning should be saved until you are tucked safely away in a relationship that has the potential for marriage. Not everyone who flirts is trying to string someone along, but curiosity and raised hopes are natural reactions to flirtatious behavior. “He winked at me. Does he like me? I think he might like me!” “She keeps grinning and me and shooting me looks. Is she giving me a sign? Should I ask her out?” On the other hand, some people flirt completely intending to string someone along. It may seem fun at first to have power over someone else’s heart. It makes us feel attractive and/or powerful, but it’s cruel. It’s never okay to put on a show, flirt and carry on, then act surprised and say, “I just want to be friends” when approached for a date.
If you have a tendency to lead others on, don’t beat yourself up. Repent of the behavior, ask God to give you a tender heart towards others, and ask for Him to teach you and lead you in how to handle interactions with the opposite sex. If you continue to lead others on, don’t be surprised when you fall head over heels for someone who is only playing with your heart. (Galatians 6:7)
We hope these tips have been helpful for you! If you have further questions or comments, please feel free to comment below!
Have you ever strung someone along or been strung along yourself? What did you learn from that experience?