Have you ever thought you knew someone and then suddenly he or she turned on a dime? There are some traits which people can keep hidden well for a while – and then after we get to know them, “surprise!” Insecurity is a trait which can either be obvious from the beginning or kept under wraps for a long time.
Have you ever met a guy that was caught off guard by a cool, collected girl that suddenly started crying, yelling, and accusing him of looking at another woman? Have you ever met a girl that thought she was with Prince Charming and then suddenly he became suspicious of every guy within a thirty-mile radius?
Insecurity can be due to any number of factors and it can come out in any number of ways. It’s a topic you don’t want to take lightly (or make fun of) because we can never fully understand what someone else has been through. Some people are insecure because of being sometimes bullied by family or friends at school, but enough to make a significant impact on their lives; whereas, some people are insecure because of abuse (e.g. verbal, physical, sexual, etc.) they endured for years. Alternately, some people can be left feeling insecure by the fear of abandonment or feared loss of provision (whether those issues are real or not). Insecurity can also be learned behavior. If someone’s parents were insecure, he or she learns to view the world through insecure eyes.
Insecurity is also revealed in a number of different ways. One person may be quiet and reserved; whereas, another may purposefully be loud and attract attention. One person may spend thousands on trendy clothes to look confident while another is obsessed with competition and winning. Most of us have some insecurity, but there is a difference between being insecure about a particular aspect (e.g., looks, ability, etc.) and insecurity being inside the core of who we are – touching every part of ourselves. Insecurity changes how we view the world. It can cause us to be suspicious of people and it can cause us to put expectations on others that are impossible to live up to.
Insecurity is a major turn off in relationships for several reasons. When someone is insecure, he or she needs constant reassurance of love and acceptance. Some people are good at giving a lot of compliments and affection, but even those who are highly nurturing become exhausted trying to live up to the amount of reassurance needed by an insecure person.
Another problem in relationships is manufactured suspicion that comes as a result of insecurity. In this world, it is impossible to live a normal daily life without occasionally having to converse with members of the opposite sex. If you are dating someone who is deeply insecure, simply being kind to a waitress, or smiling and thanking a man for holding a door open, may seem like huge threats. Insecurity can bring about clinginess, jealousy, smothering, and nagging.
In past relationships, I have been on both sides of the insecurity card. When I was quite young, I asked my boyfriend an innocent question about another guy (I think I asked him if the guy was a junior or senior in high school). He answered my question begrudgingly and then jumped up from the table screaming, “It’s over!” (Yeah….) In other relationships, I can remember feeling like I just wanted the room to breathe because of their insecurities. Having to stay in constant contact with the guy I was dating at the time was exhausting, unrelenting, and unhealthy.
I can also remember instances when I felt insecure. Once, I dated a guy who played mind games that left me so anxious I felt crazy. Listening to him talk about other girls made me feel foolish and hearing disparaging remarks about my physical appearance planted self-doubt in my mind which I occasionally still struggle with today. {Eric’s note: Guys, listen very carefully: Never, ever, ever, ever disparage a woman’s physical appearance – it wounds them in their core and they will never forget it for the rest of their lives.} In retrospect, it’s clear that he was insecure. Secure people don’t need to push others down in order to make themselves appear stronger or cooler. So, if you are dating someone who humiliates you, slips in snide remarks at every turn, or tries to make you jealous by flirting with others, he or she is not good enough for you – remember that.
The big question is, “Can I become more secure after years of being insecure?” The short answer is “Yes,” but it’s not as easy as just waking up and deciding to be secure. Rising above deeply ingrained insecurities requires emotional surgery. It won’t be comfortable, but it will be worth it.
First, you have to know your identity. If you have repented of your sins and put your trust in Christ, you are a child of God. That is the identity you must cling to. Next, walk through scripture. Spend a lot of time meditating on God’s word and finding out who God says you are as His child.
Now you have to tackle your thoughts. Our negative self-talk is what keeps us beaten down. We don’t hear the words we say to ourselves necessarily, but we see the affects. “No, I can’t do it. I’ll fail. I always fail. I’m always letting someone down. Why would I think I could succeed at that? That’s a laugh. I am just terrible. I’m a terrible person. I can’t do anything right. I’m a waste of skin.” A confident person may not believe that such thoughts travel through the minds of insecure people, but they do. Not only do such thoughts cross through the mind, but they run laps. When you hear a lie enough times, you begin to believe it. So, if your mind is telling you negative lies about yourself, eventually you are going to believe them and live accordingly. You have to find the lies you believe and disarm them one by one, battling the lies with the truth of God’s word (e.g. I may have failed in the past, but God says I’m more than a conqueror).
Insecurity is not always a reason to avoid marriage, but healing is necessary before taking the next steps towards engagement. As long as one or both people in a dating relationship struggle with insecurity, their future marriage can expect problems. We often place a lot of hope in marriage thinking it will save us from our problems, but when it doesn’t, a new set of insecurities often spring up. Go to counseling together. If your counselor is good, I guarantee you will hear truths you don’t want to face. But after facing the hard stuff and going through a time of healing, the experience will be worth it. Our skeletons have a way of jumping out of our closet and attacking our lives if they are not laid to rest. (We also help couples get on the road to overcoming their insecurities in our pre-engagement counseling program.)
If you are dating an insecure person who is bringing you down in an effort to build himself or herself up, then it’s time to walk away. Marrying someone who has this attribute is a one-way ticket to long-term despair. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is living under a constant cloud of self-doubt, encourage him or her to attend counseling. You can even offer to go along for support. After he or she completes counseling, seek pre-engagement counseling before getting engaged.
If you are dating someone who is deeply insecure, but refuses to do anything to heal, it’s probably time to critically review the long-term possibilities. That advice may sound harsh, but if you marry someone who refuses to seek help when he or she needs it, you can expect his or her situation to get steadily worse – with no hope in sight. You don’t have to leave the relationship, but you should take a realistic look at what it will be like being married to someone who refuses to change or ask for help and then make the decision that needs to be made (to stay or go).
Are you – or is someone you love – struggling with insecurity?