When Eric and I started dating, communicating was no problem. I was visiting my parents’ house in another state and we had a standing phone date. Wild buffalos, swarms of flies, and rising waters could not have kept me away from that 9:00pm phone call!
Fast-forward ten years. Eric gets off work, drives home, and walks in the door. He greets our golden retriever, happy to see him. I am cooking and he hugs me as he passes by. He flops on the bed for a few moments of rest. I finish cooking dinner, we eat, and then we get up and go about our evenings. He has work to finish and I have work to finish. It is so easy to let the night fly by and then go to bed wondering, “Did we even have a conversation tonight?” It is such a far cry from all the talking we used to do. Those young, unmarried relationship experts would have been mortified to think such absent communication was in their future! ~smile~ {Eric’s note: We really do more conversing than this paragraph alludes; however, there have been several nights where this has happened!}
So, learn from a chapter in our book. Even if your communication is flawless now, you still need to be on your guard for the future. Your relationship will go through changes. In a few years, you will have less to talk about than now because at this time you are still in a stage of constant discovery. You will have to choose to talk even if you are not as excited to do so.
Here are a few recommendations for keeping your communication lines clear and open for a lifetime. ~smile~
- Choose to communicate proactively instead of reactively. Do I eat the broccoli now or take the Type II Diabetes medication later? Do I go for a walk now or buy elastic waistbands later? Do I de-stress my life now or do I get professional help after my nervous breakdown later? Preventative measures are the way to go. The effort it takes to get on the right path early is far less work than the effort required to heal existing damage. Similarly, excellent communication habits can be started and maintained. Choose to converse regularly about life, not sporadically, and prioritize communication. You do not have to spend two hours a day in deep, therapeutic conversation. Just get in the habit of talking. Talk about your days. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Choose to open up to each other before there is a major issue to work through together. Those who train for a marathon suffer far less than those who never run and then try to sprint 26.2 miles. Do not overdo it and do not push your sweetie to talk if he or she is in need of some quiet time; but, in general, make a priority out of the simple art of conversation. Couples who share and connect daily are far less likely to grow apart.
- Keep short accounts – do not let disconnections linger. All couples experience quarrels – even those couples who devote much energy to trying to prove otherwise. ~smile~ Just because two people do not blow up at each other does not mean they agree on everything or never get frustrated. Couples, especially young couples, are faced repeatedly, sometimes daily, with situations which can either lead to division or unity. When couples check in with each other regularly – even weekly (which we recommend to our client couples) – they cut division off at the pass. Some conversations are uncomfortable, but which is worse – an uncomfortable conversation or slow but sure emotional disconnection? To keep communication lines clear, do not let the daily, expected frustrations of life and marriage build up between you.
- Skip rocks together. Wait, what? It is women, more often than not, who verbalize their desires for more communication. When we connect with our girlfriends, it is often across the table at a restaurant or coffee shop. We look each other in the eyes, have emotional reactions to what we say, and often feel better after a thorough conversation. Men tend to approach communication very differently. Scan your local coffee shop. How many men do you see huddled up in a group talking? Scan your local golf course. How many groups of women do you see? Men connect by doing. They can have an incredibly close relationship with another guy without ever looking him in the eyes. As they connect over their sport (or task), communication does occur. It is just more subtle and indirect than when women connect. Women connect by talking – talking is the sport. So, shake it up in your relationship. Men, humor your ladies. They need to sit down with you, talk, and emotionally connect. Ladies, speak your man’s language and do something with him. Go out to the lake and skip rocks or walk around a quarter-mile track. Chances are a conversation will emerge naturally. ~smile~
Communication does not fit nicely in a perfect little box; it comes in many different forms. Discover and embrace them so you will always have fresh ways to connect which fit you both. When you find communication tactics which work well, write them down. Keep a book of lessons learned and review it every six months or so. Your revelations might just help other relationships!
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the level of communication in your relationship?
Do you and your sweetie experience excellent communication?