Inside jokes, whispering, laughing together – having secrets between you and your sweetheart is part of the fun of being in an emotionally intimate relationship. There is something special that bonds two people who share secrets. This is part of the reason I believe married couples should keep the details of their bedroom activities to themselves (unless they are seeking the advice of a therapist).
When Eric and I were newly married, I felt compelled to share countless details about our life with others as I am the less reserved one in our marriage. He probably thinks I blab too much even now, but if he only knew all the comments I want to make and don’t! ~smile~ Eventually, Eric shared his desire for me to keep the mysteries of our relationship between he and I. He wanted those inside jokes and funny moments to be special.
Keeping secrets within our marriage is harder for me than Eric can imagine, yet I do see the merit in having a small, personal world between you and the one you love.
Secrets Within Relationships Builds Trust
Have you had the unfortunate experience of sharing a deep, personal portion of your heart with someone only to have him or her share your secrets with others? What did you feel? Rage? Hurt? Confusion? At the very least, I’m sure you lost trust.
Eric is a steel trap. If you tell him something in confidence, he absolutely will not share it. Many times, he will talk to a friend or family member and refuse to share details with me about those conversations. As frustrating as it is to not get certain details, I greatly respect his ability to keep others’ business to himself. Knowing he won’t betray a friend makes me that much more confident that he won’t betray me as well. ~smile~
A word of caution before we proceed: If you are in a relationship with someone and you are not sure he or she can be trusted, wait before you divulge intimate details about your life and feelings. There is NOTHING WRONG with giving a friendship time to blossom before sharing the deeper parts of yourself. I used to be the world’s worst at spilling my naive guts to each new guy I started to date. Shockingly (or not so shockingly), these relationships didn’t work out, and each ex-boyfriend emerged from the relationship knowing too much. I did not even need Facebook to embarrass myself!
Make sure you are with someone trustworthy before you share the contents of your heart. Once you are confident in his or her ethics and intentions towards you, then you can begin sharing more; and, when you share certain precious or hilarious moments together, consider keeping at least some of them between the two of you. Let those secrets add to the trust you have in each other.
Secrets Within Relationships Builds Intimacy
When newlywed Heather was busy telling her Dad anything and everything remotely amusing that happened in her new marriage, she was not attempting to strip intimacy from her marriage. She just enjoyed sharing laughs with her dad. ~smile~ Eric, however, found those moments to be special and wanted me to save some of those for just the two of us.
We don’t want our relationships to become like forts to keep other people out, but there should be some lovely memories that only belong between us and the one we love. It’s fun leaning over in church and making a comment or saying a word that only Eric will understand. It’s fun having a code language others don’t understand. It’s nice to open a fortune cookie and laugh hysterically because of the twist we put on each fortune.
Intimacy is about so much more than sex. Married couples can have plenty of sexual encounters and very little intimacy, while other couples spend much less time in the bedroom but are very emotionally connected. It’s the little moments of life that build intimacy – living life together. Sharing in both the mundane and exciting times.
Secrets Within Relationships are Just Plain Fun
Life is filled with work and unpleasant tasks. Most of us are not strangers to this fact. However, I believe relationships should also be filled with fun. Fun doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to require plane tickets. Fun can happen by watching funny movies together, sharing jokes, or making a game out of daily chores. Whether you have five dollars to your name or five million dollars, you can find ways to add fun into your life.
Secrets between sweethearts can be just plain fun. Maybe you both burst out laughing every time you drive past a landmark that reminds you of something hilarious you encountered together. Maybe you eat at a special restaurant on the same day each year for reasons only the two of you understand. Maybe you play games such as G-rated truth or dare (assuming you’re not married) and uncover even more fun facts about each other.
Sharing secrets brings us closer.
What about you? Do you like keeping inside jokes with your sweetie, or are you quick to share everything with your family and/or friends? Do you cherish the hidden places of your sweetie’s heart, or do you unveil his or her secrets in conversations with others? Do you think keeping special secrets is an intimacy builder or a waste of time?
Talk about it with each other. Ask your sweetheart if he or she would prefer you to keep more of your relationship private. Talk about where to draw the line. It would drive me crazy if I could never talk about anything that happens between us, but I understand that Eric wants some experiences reserved for just the two of us.
Are you comfortable keeping secrets with your special someone?