{Eric’s note: Please note that though Heather uses the term “counsel” (and other words based on that root word) in this post below, we are not licensed counselors. We often use the term “counseling” because people identify with that concept more readily in the context of what we do instead of “relationship coaching.” We have, however, earned Master’s degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and have worked with many couples over the last several years as relationship coaches with stellar reviews and testimonials.}
“Pre-engagement counseling.” Maybe that phrase still leaves you scratching your head? If so, we would love to shed some light on what we do and why we do it! ~smile~
In short, Eric and I work with couples before they are engaged so they can get to know themselves and each other much better before deciding if they should take the next step. We help them dig deep to discover and work through issues which could cause them trouble in their future marriage; and, we give them tools they can use to have continued success throughout their lives together. We do it because Eric and I love the institution of marriage, we love helping couples get a solid start, and we want to glorify God by helping couples prepare well for marriage!
The idea of counseling can feel unsettling to someone who has never been in a counseling relationship, who has had a bad experience with counseling, or who was raised to believe counseling was only for people with extreme problems. I am here to tell you that Eric and I have a great time with our couples, and we think the relationship coaching process should be quite enjoyable. Sure, growth requires some work and pain; but, the coaching/counseling experience can be thoroughly enjoyable anyway!
Not only can the process help prepare you for engagement and marriage, but it can also be a connecting experience for you and your sweetie. Below are five ways pre-engagement counseling can enhance your romantic connection!
- Counseling is an Established Date! Sometimes life gets busy. We may hope to have time with our sweeties, but it does not always work out when work, school, friends, hobbies, and ministry opportunities are all vying for our attention. Pre-engagement counseling can serve as an established date night – a night that is only about you and your sweetie. And after each counseling session, we encourage a post-session meal or snack where couples can debrief about what was discussed in session, and talk about ways to implement what they learned.
- Relationship Coaches Act as Helpful Guides so You Can Grow and Maintain a Healthy Connection. Going through the counseling process can help you and your sweetie uncover problem areas before getting engaged. Many of these areas can be addressed, worked through, and overcome during your counseling experience. Should issues rise to the surface that one or both parties consider deal-breakers, knowing sooner rather than later can help you avoid the pain of a broken engagement, or worse, a broken marriage. Sometimes issues arise in pre-marital counseling (a separate process we also strongly recommend), but once a couple is engaged, the idea of breaking up seems so much scarier (and more embarrassing). Though engaged couples are not bound by a marriage covenant, they have in a sense promised to marry each other; so, post-engagement break-ups can be quite painful and even life-altering. It is far better to explore yourselves and your relationship before the proposal! Giving and accepting a proposal is so exciting when you are confident about your decision and when you deeply know the person standing (or kneeling) in front of you.
- Pre-Engagement Counseling Provides Useful Tools which Couples Can Use Long After They are Married! It is so rewarding when our former client couples tell us they have been using the tools we gave them. Counseling may seem like a place people go to simply cry and air their painful memories, but it is so much more than that. Relationship counseling offers (or should offer) specific tools for communication and conflict resolution; so, when a couple finds themselves on the verge of a blow up, they can reach down into their tool belt, find a tool, and fix or avoid the problem. These instruments help couples communicate more efficiently, thus leading to a strong and steady connection.
- Counseling Provides a Safe Space to be Honest with Each Other. Sometimes couples want to bring up character flaws or grievances with each other, but they fear doing it because of how the other person may react. The counseling relationship allows a safe, controlled environment for couples to say what they need to say with a mediator present. What may come out in anger when a couple is alone (“You never listen to me! Why do I even bother? Jerk!”) is more likely to come across in a beneficial way in counseling. (“Lately, I feel like you don’t listen to me like you used to. I’m not sure why, but it scares me. Have I done something to anger you?”) Sometimes, the presence of a third party can make all the difference in a dispute; and, it is beneficial to have someone there to keep the process on track, and to keep the couple from making unproductive statements to each other. Insults and fighting dirty will rob a couple of their connection in a hurry!
- Couples Who Take Marital Preparation Seriously are More Likely to Take Their Marriage Seriously. Just the fact that you are putting time and effort into pre-engagement counseling (something which most pastors do not require) shows that you take marriage seriously and that you want to have the healthiest relationship possible! There are couples out there who never went to counseling and are doing fine; however, there are also many more couples out there who have said, “I wish we had known about certain issues before we got engaged and married.” Your investment in your relationship now is likely to reap huge dividends down the road. Pre-engagement counseling is not only an investment in the early years of your marriage, but in your marriage overall. Putting the work in now is setting a precedent for a long and lasting connection.
When couples try to go it alone, especially when they have little experience with relationships, they can end up spending a lot of valuable time arguing, fighting, and trying to find their footing. Not all couples will experience this, but most couples will.
All couples, from the healthiest to the most broken, can benefit from pre-engagement counseling. It is like an emotional workout for your relationship. It will be hard work, but so very worth it.
If you are interested in learning more about what we offer, please check out our counseling services page, and feel free to contact us with any further questions!
We hope you will enhance your connection with pre-engagement counseling! ~smile~
Have you and your sweetie ever considered pre-engagement counseling?