Before I was married, I was plagued with the following question: “How far am I allowed to go physically with my boyfriend before I am displeasing to God?”
Revisiting the question now years after marriage, there is something that is now quite obvious to me…
It is obvious that my heart was not in the right place back then. I was more interested in how close I could get to the fire without being burned instead of striving to please God and His holiness (i.e., running from the fire). Dating and engaged couples should definitely have determined, specified physical limits; however, the bigger issue is the purity of your heart.
If you are externally following “the rules,” but you are lusting after your girlfriend or boyfriend in your mind, your heart is not pure before God. There is a difference between desiring your sweetheart and lusting after him or her.
Attraction is a part of God’s design for men and women. If you are dating or engaged to someone with whom you don’t have an attraction, this actually could be a cause for concern. However, if you are dwelling on the thought of your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s bodies in a sensual or sexual way, then (according to the Bible) you are no less guilty than those who are actually engaging in premarital sex.
This may sound harsh, and believe me, I used to think it was too; but, after being on the single side of life, and the married side as well, I see how God’s standards for purity are there to protect us. He created sex, so He knows more about it than any sex expert on the planet. He wants us to enjoy sex, but that happens only in the confines and safety of marriage. We can’t fully know why He forbids sex before marriage, but the little bit of knowledge we do have shows premarital sex can lead to disease, depression, anxiety, insecurity, shame, and heartache (just to name a few). Only God fully understands the consequences of violating His perfect plan for sex.
So, how far is too far? Let’s return to the topic of physical limits. If you are a believer, then the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you and you know when you are entering dangerous territory because the Holy Spirit communicates it to you. As a rule of thumb, if the affection you are showing your boyfriend or girlfriend is making your body respond sexually (lingering hugs, intense kissing, and inappropriate touching), you need to halt and move away (as in, physically get out of the same room).
Remember that before you are married, your future spouse is your brother or sister in Christ and should be treated as such. Do you hug your brothers and sisters? I would assume so, but I doubt you hug them the way married couples hug each other. Do you kiss your brothers or sisters? Perhaps, but those kisses are (hopefully) only to show affection and not to arouse sexuality. If you are experiencing a sexual response to your closeness with each other, you need to set your physical limits more broadly.
{Eric’s note: Guys, also remember that she is someone else’s daughter. Treat her with the same respect that you will want other guys to treat your precious daughter in the future. If you would want to start polishing your shotgun if you found out a suitor was doing a certain activity or behavior with your daughter before marriage, then don’t cross the line yourself in your relationship. It is not funny. It is not cute. It is not manly, macho, or praiseworthy. It is selfish. You are looking to get your desires met without really seeking her best interest. It creates an emotionally intimate, long-lasting connection for her that you will never fully understand. If you really love her, and God, you will wait for marriage.}
If you find that you and your sweetie are struggling in this area (and if you are, you are in good company – many are), find a faithful friend, pastor, or mentor to hold you accountable. Give him or her permission to ask you about your purity at any time. Make this area of your life a matter of prayer as well. God knows what you are going through and He is pleased when you seek to honor Him.
{Eric’s note: Girls, my advice is that if he’s not willing to wait or if he is pushing you toward sexual activity and remains unrepentant about it, then end the relationship. It is that serious. He does not love you. He’s just using you to seek a particular sensation that you can give to him – it is motivated out of selfishness, not love.}
If you have fallen in this area and you are struggling with shame, remember that Christ is the great Redeemer. Ask the Holy Spirit to continue to convict you, to regenerate you, and to fill you with wisdom for relationships and meet with a pastor or trusted older same-sex individual to discuss your struggle.
If you are engaging in sexual activity as a way of life before marriage, the Bible classifies it as sin and you need to take a serious look at your heart and ask God to show you if you are even a Christian (1 John 1:5-10). We recommend that you immediately stop that behavior and seek the advice of a godly pastor, man, or woman in your church. You may very likely need to separate for at least a couple months and get good, biblical counsel during that time.
Sex is a wonderful way to express intimacy with one another and God’s method of bringing children into this world for His glory. However, this fire is only rightfully contained within the fireplace of marriage. Too many “homes” have been burned because the fire was started elsewhere.
“So, what if we’re going to get married anyway?” Even if you and your beloved end up getting married, premarital sex creates a mental environment where illicitness is driving your sexual desires and when that illicitness is removed after marriage, the thing that was driving you to have sex is now gone. Many couples who have had premarital sex struggle with sexual activity in the first seven years of their marriage; however, studies have shown that couples who have refrained from sexual activity until marriage have had the most fulfilling sex lives.
In conclusion, do look forward to the sexual relationship waiting for you in marriage; yet, while you are still single, enjoy the freedom to give your energy to the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 7:33-34) and take measures to avoid compromising situations in the first place! It is for your good and for your future spouse’s good (even though it may not seem so now).
Are you struggling to remain pure in your relationship? What steps have you taken to remain pure until marriage?
Brad Viets says
You stated, "We can’t fully know why He forbids sex before marriage, but the little bit of knowledge we do have shows premarital sex can lead to disease, depression, anxiety, insecurity, shame, and heartache (just to name a few). Only God fully understands the consequences of violating His perfect plan for sex."
It is true that we can't FULLY know, but…
I learned from Equally Yoked that engaging in sex before marriage quenches the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit gives guidance and discernment for couples in a relationship, until they begin in a sexual activities. When that happens, the discernment is removed and the chances of ending in a bad marriage are increased. Also engaging in sex causes the focus in the relationship to go from getting to really know each other and becoming best friends to being mostly interested in sexual gratification.
Eric Viets says
That is *very* true! Sexual activity before marriage clouds one's objectivity about the other person before marriage and builds a pseudo-intimacy with that person which ends up feeling like love, but is really just self-gratification. Great insight!
Christian says
Great article, but I want to throw something at you that some people, including you, may not have faced. What about older Christians who have been married before? I suspect you’ll say the rules remain the same, which I would agree with. But things FEEL different for older single Christians, and I say so having gone through divorce some years ago. At 35, 45, 55, 65, what do you do when you miss the physical component, and you KNOW what you’re missing?
Another question for any age Christian: The longer a couple dates, the more time they spend together, observing each other, sharing in difficult times like loss of a parent or job, learning a great deal about each other. But if they lust for each other, and they do marry to escape sinning, might there not be mistakes made in choosing that person? And since God hates divorce, they are stuck in that marriage. Yet if they temporarily separate to avoid sinning, how do they observe and learn about each other’s strengths and foibles?
I ask this because I’m now a Christian for some years, thinking of dating again.
Eric says
For Christians, we are not reduced to animalistic urges. We are image bearers of the living God. And, for Christians, when the Bible explicitly speaks on a topic (as it does this one), it does not matter at all what I think, but only what God says. God says to refrain from any sexual interaction with someone when you are not married to them. There are many reasons such practice is also good for the individual, couple, and society.
Mistakes will likely be made if one is choosing another person largely based on lust. We wholeheartedly encourage every reader to never choose a spouse based on your lust for the other person. There are many, MANY other qualities and traits which are much more important – and over time, looks (and sexual urges) fade. God does *hate* divorce… so, we must be very careful in selecting the spouse we choose and accept.
Hot take: if one’s sexual urges cannot be controlled (as self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit), that person is likely not ready for marriage… as marriage requires *much* self-control in many areas.
Ultimately, a Christian is to please God. Abstaining until marriage is a minimal sacrifice when compared to what it cost to pay for sin — the death of His Son.