Below is another great guest post from J (author of the blog Hot, Holy, & Humorous) at PreEngaged.com! You can also check out her other guest posts here by following the links below. Enjoy!
You need to get the godly sexuality equation correct. It’s as if you get bonus points or 3 stars (for you Angry Birds fans) for mastering the art of selflessly loving your spouse with everything you have, including your body. (If you have a sexual past, it can be forgiven and overcome – though, not without some work – but your present and future is up to you.)
Godly sexuality has two parts to it – before and in marriage. It’s like a mathematical equation:
Purity before Marriage + Intimacy in Marriage = Godly Sexuality
Churches have stressed the former, usually with the JUST DON’T perspective. In my former posts on sex before marriage (Part 1 and Part 2) here on PreEngaged, I address several reasons why couples should wait until the wedding night to discard inhibitions and jump into the bedroom sports. But many religious folks have only recently awakened to the importance of helping married couples enjoy God’s gift of sexuality and fewer have discovered the wisdom of preparing engaged couples for a lifetime of physical intimacy.
In fact, since I already called it “bedroom sports,” let’s stick with that analogy. If you want your performance and enjoyment at the Olympics to be optimal, you train. And essentially, that’s what all engaged and married couples should do – TRAIN.
If you are expecting to say your vows and be immediately swept away into a Hollywood film fantasy passion scene that culminates in hours of extensive pleasure, you will be disappointed. There are numerous issues to be dealt with to have a stellar sex life together. Addressing these will go a long way toward experiencing the kind of intimacy you both want and that God designed for you to have.
Expectations. The husband wants her to emerge from the bathroom wearing black leather and lace, red lipstick, and high heels; whereas, the wife wants him to light candles, throw rose petals on the bed, and receive a 30-minute massage before suggesting anything more. He expects sex once a day; she expects sex twice a month. They both expect fireworks, music, and multiple orgasms every time they make love.
Unrealistic or mismatched expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, and resentment. It’s also not something you can discuss once before marriage and assume it’s taken care for the next 50 years. I do suggest discussing your expectations ahead of time (and to keep it above board, make it public – maybe at Starbucks over coffee – instead of home alone on your couch). And then be willing to talk from time to time to adjust your expectations. Ask about frequency, activities, conducive backgrounds, and how you will learn about each other’s pleasure throughout marriage. Be willing to study one another and the subject of godly sexuality in general. That way, your expectations will match your partner’s and God’s plan.
Physical Readiness. Men don’t typically have a problem with readiness; they are often good to go the minute sex is mentioned or the lady’s shirt comes off. But women take longer to get ready. And a virgin bride who has had no preparation may find it more desirable to sit on a cactus than have her husband penetrate her when she isn’t prepared. There are things a woman can do to ready herself before marriage and things a man can do to prepare his wife after marriage.
*Explicit* Instructions for Females to Prepare for the Wedding Night: The wife must be fully lubricated and have sufficient elasticity to receive the husband into her. Purchase a lubricant; there are many brands available, including KY and Astroglide. If you don’t want to head to your local pharmacy or store, locate a Christian retailer online that sells sexual aids. Remember that you will need to be wet like a Slip-n-Slide for his entry, so be willing to add lubricant as needed. As for the elasticity part, a woman can use her fingers to stretch out her vagina pre-marriage. Insert a finger and move it around for a while; in a few days, move to two; a few days more, to three.
One more thing about preparation: Prior to the wedding, a woman may wish to observe and touch her private parts to gauge where her sensitivities are. I’m not suggesting masturbation, but exploring for the purpose of understanding what will lead to pleasure with your husband later in order to inform him accurately. A man’s parts are easy to see and gain access to; a woman’s are not, so a little more information may need to be gathered in the privacy of her home.
*Explicit* Instructions for Males for the Wedding Night: As for the wedding night, the husband needs to be patient as he helps his bride become ready for sexual intercourse. He can spend extra time in stroking her and helping her to feel comfortable; kissing and fondling her sensitive areas; asking for feedback on how she feels; applying lubricant as needed; inserting his own fingers in her vagina to help her stretch a little; and going slowly with entry. Yes, this is a challenge for a man. But most husbands genuinely want their wives to have pleasure, so they are willing to make the effort.
Contraception. Some spouses want to pawn this responsibility off on the other person – don’t. Discuss together what your plan will be. Since no form of birth control is 100% effective, you may wish to consider two methods (e.g., diaphragm and spermicide). Research fully how each method works (e.g., I don’t think a lot of people really understand what an IUD does) and consider what you are most likely to use and keep up with. Discuss your options and preferences with your doctor. If you try something for a while and are not happy with it, switch. There are plenty of contraceptive approaches from which to choose.
{PreEngaged.com comment: You may also want to check out the Ovulation Method / Natural Family Planning which is a method of understanding the female body cycles to know times of fertility – and non-fertility – without the use of any pharmaceutical means.
Also, before you get married, make sure to take the time to understand what the Bible says about having children to start with the proper perspective. The best written explanation of the biblical perspective we have discovered can be found in Chapter 8: Multiplying Fruitfully from the book Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson.}
Gender Differences. You may have heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I think I would have said that men are from Mercury and women are from Pluto; after all, it takes Pluto a WHOLE LOT LONGER to circle the sun than Mercury. Alas, the same is often true in the sex department. Women generally take a lot longer to be fully ready for sexual penetration; they must be emotionally engaged, well-lubricated, and have sufficient blood flow to their private areas to swell to three times or more their usual size… and this takes time. Meanwhile, men salute almost immediately when called to attention. Perhaps God made it this way to encourage us to pay attention to one another and give a little as we grow physically together.
Another major gender difference is that men feel loved when they have had sex, while women have sex when they feel loved. Most men rank sex as a significant emotional need. Yep, that’s right – emotional. Post-coitus is the only time a man secretes oxytocin, the hormone secreted by women during breastfeeding which encourages bonding with her infant. Too many women think that men only want “that one thing” and are selfish pigs; in fact, husbands desire that intimate connection they feel to their wives when they engage in sex.
Meanwhile, husbands are, at times, impatient and can’t figure out why their wives don’t want “it” as much as they do. Wives want to feel loved first. Every husband should understand the importance of continuing to woo his wife for the remainder of their lifetime together. Compliment her, kiss her, hold her hand, embrace her, help her around the house, bring her a gift, write her a love note, spend time with her: do whatever appeals to your wife to let her know that you desire her, not just her parts.
When wives are secure with their husbands, they can be vulnerable, and sex is a very vulnerable experience for a woman. Of course, you can see how a bad cycle of ignoring one another’s needs will result in tension and frustration and how meeting one another’s needs can result in a beautiful intimate relationship. Pay attention to those differences and value your spouse’s needs.
Standards. Set some rules and discuss strategies to stay faithful to one another. If you travel for business, how will you keep yourself sexually engaged with your spouse and not tempt yourself with others? If another person approaches you or you have temporary chemistry with someone, will you reveal that to your spouse to gain support or will that merely upset him/her? How about your computer? Should you install software to block certain websites or report your internet history to an accountability partner? Will you keep in touch with former boyfriends or girlfriends – in person, by phone, or through social media? Do you work closely with someone of the opposite sex? What are the rules there? Think ahead and keep the lines of communication open.
Be willing to set some boundaries to keep a proper hedge around your relationship with one another. When people marry, they’re often sure that they will never be attracted to another person more than their beloved; but there are a slew of broken marriages out there with people who swore the same thing. Take active steps to keep the marriage bed pure and undefiled.
Sexuality is important to both men and women. For husbands, it is both a physical and an emotional need; they feel loved when they engage in sexual intercourse with their wives and giving their wives pleasure makes them feel successful and potent. For wives, sex is most often a physical expression of the love they feel for their husbands and having their husbands pursue and delight in their bodies can make wives feel valued and cherished.
God designed sex for reproduction, intimacy, and pleasure. If you want to know what He thinks of it, read the Song of Solomon – the poetic story of a husband and wife and their sexual relationship. Remember that sex is a great deal like your courtship: Take time to get to know each other, be willing to adjust to one another’s preferences, and think of your partner’s satisfaction above your own.
“A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife,
and they become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24
J can be found at Hot, Holy, & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
Leave a Reply