A Sure Way to Lose the Relationship Game

Some of us are naturally born competitors. When a challenge is presented, we’re off and running to the finish line with little concern for what’s in the dust behind us. For others of us, we are calmer in nature and would rather have peace than the thrill of rivalry. Me, I’ve always considered myself to be non-competitive, but I realized that was not completely true after I got married…

Whatever repressed competitive needs I had came bursting forth once Eric and I made vows to each other. Perhaps it was the security of knowing he was not going anywhere or the fact that he was always around that gave me the ability to let loose; yet, whatever it was, I became a competitive person in the comfort of my own home.

In public, I’m not very competitive. Even when my team wins, I feel sorry for the other team (unless they’ve been talking smack and were being gruesomely arrogant). When playing a team sport, I am terrified of being the weak link, so I rarely ever play team sports.

So, my competition comes out when Eric has no idea we’re even playing. My competition comes in surprise attacks. We discovered this when we were both going through grad school together. We were in the same program (Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy), took the same classes, had most of the same teachers – and in most cases, we even had the same books. We thought it would bring us closer together … we were wrong.

Eric is studious; I am not. Eric likes to soak up information from books; I’d rather watch a movie. Eric feels like he’s wasting time when he relaxes; I feel like I’m wasting time if I’m reading the same paragraph three times (because my mind wanders) when I could be relaxing instead. Needless to say, with our different views on how the education process should be done well, we were just asking for conflict: hot and lots of it.

But, let’s face it. Someone who studies hard all the time, even to the neglect of sleep, seems nobler than the person who has fun whenever possible. Because of this, I felt like I walked around in a constant state of guilt. Other than one class that shall remain nameless (one day… I’ll get over it :-)), Eric and I graduated with the same grades in every class. Still, I felt like he was on top of the scholastic mountain and I may as well have graduated by the skin of my teeth.

I knew I could not be like him and because I admired his work ethic and his dedication, I became angry with myself. Not only that, but I became defensive. Suddenly, Eric was on the hardworking team and I was on the slacker team. Each team had only one member and there were no rules. Out of nowhere, I would begin lamenting about how much better he was than me. He was a better student… he was a better leader… he was better at math… he was better at English… he could fix computers… blindfolded.

As I would go on about how frustrating it was to be married to Superman, he would remind me, “It’s not a competition.” I hated hearing him say that because I thought, “Yeah, it doesn’t feel like a competition when you are always the winner!” During game nights with family or friends, I found myself cheering for anyone who could beat Eric (because he often won)… it was becoming unhealthy.

Maybe if we had not gotten married and gone directly into grad school (Deuteronomy 24:5), I would not have been as tempted to compare myself to Eric in such a negative way. Competition against your own team (and there is no greater team than a marriage) is a sure way to lose the relationship game.

Making Eric’s accomplishments and talents out to be stumbling blocks for myself was a lack of maturity and a lack of understanding of the true meaning of teamwork. Had I been viewing our marriage as a team, each person with different talents, instead of as a competition against each other, I could’ve avoided a lot of drama. Eric’s talents are a blessing to me, not a curse. Not only that, but when I look away from “how great” Eric is and look at my own gifts, I realize that I have talents to offer as well. He needs me to be me and not to be him. {Eric’s note: Amen!}

Do you struggle with competitive madness? Do you find that you avoid competition when it’s healthy, but jump on it when it’s not? If so, I encourage you to begin viewing your relationship as a sacred team. You need to be 100% of who you were (and are) created to be in order to run at full steam and complement each other. If you begin comparing your weakness with his or her strengths, you will be using useful energy against your team’s efforts.

I’m not sure who originally said it, but my husband quotes it often and it is very true: “The road of comparison always leads to disappointment.”

Do you struggle with competition in unhealthy ways?