Sometimes, I think God only allows us to feel the ecstasy of new love so we’ll want to get married and populate the Earth. After all, if we knew beforehand how much time and effort we’d be putting into conflict resolution, would any of us get married? ~smile~
Whether we like it or not, conflict is a part of life. Some enjoy conflict, even creating it where it doesn’t naturally exist. Others tolerate it well and some people hate every part of it.
If you enjoy fighting, that could spell trouble. If you avoid conflict when it’s necessary, that will cause problems later in your relationship. Dr. John Gottman discovered that the quantity of conflict in a relationship does not determine the health of the relationship; rather, it’s the couple’s ability and determination to work through conflicts that matters most.
All marriages are made up of two separate entities who have differing points of view. If couples tell you they have never fought with each other, it may be true; however, they have surely disagreed with each other over preferences… chocolate or vanilla? Italian food or Asian food? Sleep Number or Tempur-Pedic?
Conflict is Good!
“What?! Conflict is good? If it’s so good, why does it cause me to cry and my boyfriend to stomp off and slam doors? If it’s so good, why does my girlfriend give me the cold shoulder for days on end?” Conflict is good because it shows us areas of our lives which need work. It helps us understand another’s point of view and gives us opportunities to problem solve and compromise. Working through disagreements strengthens our relational muscles. After all, there is a feeling of accomplishment and relief after a dispute is resolved (not just ended). Conflict is not the bad guy. How we handle conflict is what causes the experience to be positive or negative.
Les and Leslie Parrott give a number of tips for fighting well in their sixth chapter of Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts, “Do You Know How to Fight a Good Fight?” In the interest of time, I’ll briefly discuss three of them:
Don’t Run from Strife
“Don’t allow yourself to bury something that irritates you. Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection.” Indeed! Les and Leslie hit the nail on the head, there! Sometimes we keep our irritations buried because they seem insignificant or petty and we don’t want to bring up every single grievance. This is understandable; yet, those irritations that don’t ever really float away – the ones that keep popping up – you need to express those frustrations. Why? If you don’t express them now calmly and rationally, you will probably express them later – loudly and, possibly, destructively.
Become comfortable in sharing your anger and frustrations with each other before tying the knot or your future spouse will be shocked when you suddenly start bringing up issues during your earliest months of marriage. Don’t get married until you feel equipped to work through quarrels rationally. You won’t always work through your disagreements calmly and sensibly, but you need to know that you can… most of the time. ~smile~
If you allow grievances to stay locked away inside you, small irritations will grow into large irritations. When you first get something in your eye, it is slightly irritating; however, when you can’t get it out of your eye after about ten minutes, it becomes incredibly irritating. The longer you hold something in, the more likely it will come bursting out in a damaging way (e.g., yelling, damaging property, etc.).
Choose Your Battles Carefully
Not everything is a crisis. Dating couples and newlyweds often magnify problems that seasoned married folks get over quickly. When Eric and I were first married, we spent so much time working through problems. Now we know that some of those “problems” simply come because we’re tired, stressed, or not thinking through our words carefully. We grant each other grace more now than we did in the beginning of our marriage and over the years we’ve learned what issues need to be discussed and resolved and which “issues” aren’t really issues at all.
Les and Leslie tell their couples that about 90% of the issues couples argue about can likely be… overlooked. “Move your shoes, please!” “Is the sink full again?” “Please tell me your mother isn’t coming over again!” If you live in a house with someone, you will probably gripe at each other from time to time. This does not mean you need a weekend summit to discuss every small dispute you have with each other.
It’s the issues that keep coming back to the top – the ones that don’t go away and keep causing irritation – which need to be addressed at length. The good news is that the longer you practice conflict resolution, the faster you become and working through problems!
Give Up Put Downs
Yes! If there is one behavior I cannot stomach, it is being around people who hurl insults at each other. In some families, it’s a way of life; yet, the practice is so destructive. A friend of mine who was on her second date went with her date over to his sister’s house for dinner. She was so turned off by the exorbitant amount of name calling and insults being flung back and forth between him and his sister that she decided to completely stop seeing him. She didn’t want to be with someone who was comfortable tossing around insensitive words and I certainly didn’t blame her. Put downs and insults are hurtful, unattractive, and permanently damaging.
{Eric’s note: Not that there’s a double standard here, but it’s even worse if the girl is insulting the guy (even playfully) in the relationship because a man’s primary need is respect. I remember one female friend and potential relationship I had, but she intermittently insulted me playfully and I just couldn’t date her because of it. I didn’t know about the respective love and respect needs of women and men back then; however, it makes perfect sense now.}
We can’t take back cruel, verbal explosions. We can apologize and even heap kind words on someone, but we will never get those hateful words back. No matter how angry you are with your spouse, you simply don’t need to use your words as weapons. Nothing good has ever come out of putting someone down… nothing. I’m still affected today by put downs I heard as a child and I would imagine you may be too. There are far better ways to express anger and make your sweetie aware of your frustrations and hurts.
Another great quote by the Parrott’s: “Research has shown that it takes only one put-down to undo hours of kindness that you give to your partner. So the most gracious offering of politeness you can give your partner is to avoid put-downs altogether.” Yes, instead of working to rebuild your relationship after a slew of hateful words and contemptuous behavior, simply find constructive ways to discuss problems and express irritations. Your relationship will be better off if you completely give up the put downs.
Sharing Names and Talents
Les and Leslie Parrott are a dynamic team of marriage experts. Their information is well-researched and practical. Each of the topics found in Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts are vital to the health of marriages.
If you want to prepare well for marriage now while you’re single, if you are engaged and want to know what questions to ask before taking the plunge, or if you’re newly married and want to start off your marriage on the right foot, this book’s for you! It’s an interesting, a quick read, and the information is useful! ~smile~
Are you ready to rumble?