Since she provides so much good insight on the topic of sex, Heather and I thought it was time again to ask J of HotHolyHumorous.com to post another guest post here at PreEngaged. (And, if you would like to learn about godly sex, we recommend her blog to you!)
To cater to our audience, we asked her to write on the topic: “How Premarital Sex affects the Marriage Relationship.” She, in turn, wrote the below post. Read the below and then click Like, Tweet, or share the post with your friends to give her some love!
How Premarital Sex Affects the Marriage
These days, it’s almost expected that a couple will engage in some sexual activity prior to marriage. In our current culture, it’s hard to wait. Although, frankly, in every time and culture, it’s been difficult to hold your desire for physical intimacy with your chosen mate until the preacher says, “I pronounce you husband and wife.”
You should do just that.
I can make the case from the Bible that God designed sex for marriage and that honoring Him means to wait for the wedding vow to get that boom-chicka-wow. But God isn’t trying to deny us pleasure; you see, having premarital sex affects the marriage. Whether your sexual partners include others or just your spouse, crossing that line before making a lifetime commitment before your mate, God, and witnesses can negatively impact your relationship.
Sexuality increases attachment. In spite of what the hookup culture claims, common sense and science agree that having sex with another person bonds you to them; your body even releases a bonding chemical (Oxytocin) during sex.
If you have multiple partners, you feel (in some sense) joined to all of them. But even if your only partner is your future spouse, you stir up emotions that can cloud your judgment about your potential mate. More than one couple has mistaken this passionate attachment for unquenchable love. They latch onto their sexual partner and even hurry along the marriage, expecting years and years of unbridled pleasure.
Perhaps they luck out. Perhaps they don’t.
Before the vows, you need to have your head clear and not throw in too early. Or you may find yourself years later in a troubled marriage and wondering why you let sex make the decision for you.
With various partners, you may intentionally or unintentionally compare your spouse’s body or the sex itself to someone else. Even if those prior experiences pale in comparison to your love for your spouse, you can’t entirely forget that they happened. You recall those sexual encounters, and some ranked better than others.
Maybe your spouse comes out looking fabulous by comparison, but what if he doesn’t? What if you wish he or she did something a little more like a previous lover?
Even if you and your spouse only had sex with each other, but had it before the wedding, you can still find yourself comparing. Was the sex better before or after the marriage? Did it change? Should it have changed?
It’s refreshing to walk into a marriage with a clean slate and an empty comparison column. Your standard for what’s good and right becomes your exclusive experience with your spouse.
Perhaps husbands feel this way, but I know wives who resented the men who took them to bed before marriage—both previous lovers and current husbands. Somewhere deep inside, we ladies recognize how vulnerable we are during sex, how private the experience is, how much we desire to be valued when it comes to physical intimacy.
Here’s a hint: The biggest romance novel for teenage girls in the last decade was Twilight (and its sequels). The hero of the books refuses to have sex with the heroine outside of marriage; he guards her virginity. And thousands of girls swoon. Are grown women so different? At some level, we know that purity matters.
Wives who enter marriage with their virginity intact feel honored by their husbands; wives who don’t may feel cheated. That resentment may not show right away. The wife may never even share it. But in moments of marital difficulty, a nagging feeling can crop up and seeds of resentment can settle in.
Most couples eventually have children. I’ve known a lot of dads in my lifetime, and I have yet to meet a single one excited about the idea of some random guy “hitting that” with his precious daughter. And believe me, unless the young man has sworn to love and care for that daughter for a lifetime, he’s just “some random guy” to the father.
So what do you want for your children? Shouldn’t you want that for yourself?
If you commit to chastity before marriage, you can happily share why and how you abstained and the benefits of that choice to your marriage. Otherwise, you have to pull out that line, “Do as I say, not as I did.” In all fairness, that’s the line I’ll be using, and I believe you can be honest and teach your kids sexual purity no matter what.
But do I wish I had modeled something else? Oh yeah.
Friends who have only been with their spouse describe the unveiling of sexuality, the discovery of one another’s bodies, the learning curve of pleasure and physical intimacy.
I’m a bit jealous. My husband and I have developed a wonderful sex life, but we missed that discovery and I wish I had learned everything about sex with him and him alone.
Plenty of spouses wish they could have a do-over, one in which they held out and experienced sexuality only in the arms of their mate. Yes, they have healing, beauty, ecstasy, and intimacy, but they carry a smidgen of regret. I have rarely met a spouse who wishes they had engaged in more sex before marriage, but I’ve known many who wish they had waited.
I know it’s hard to wait. I don’t even like to wait for all the smaller stuff in life—amusement park rides, traffic jams to clear, the Starbucks line to move, the public bathroom at a sporting event, Christmas morning. But we wait because we know that in the end, it will all be okay.
Waiting for sex is certainly more difficult, but more rewarding too.
Marriage is a marvelous challenge. Set yourselves up for success from the get-go. Be patient. You can ride the roller coaster open your gift revel in physical pleasure with your spouse soon enough and for many years to come.
J can be found at Hot, Holy, & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.